The Arrival Of A Rainbow

Jaylee Rose Files
Born: August 28, 2012
At: 1:07pm weighing in at 6 pounds 11 ounces
and 18.5 inches long

We arrived at the hospital about 9:30am got all checked in and settled. By 10:45am they had started the induction with an evil drug called petocin (sp) and broke my water. It didn't take long for things to get rolling as I knew they would. Everything went well and smooth and before we all knew she was here.

Wow!! is all I have to say!! I have never felt such relief with tears of Joy to here her 1st cry!! It was the best sound I had ever herd and to feel her warm little body in my arms. I was in awe and felt like we were dreaming and could all this be real is she really here and really ours. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head and mind that I really did not know where to start. Even John stood there in awe with tears streaming. 

As the day wore on and we got settled into a room where I would spend 48 hours is where the emotions of bitter sweet started to settle in. The pure love and joy of Jaylee filling my aching arms but not the hole where big sister Jocelyn was missing. It amazed how it was no different that any of my children how you love them all and really do have room in your heart for each one you give birth to. And that was when it hit me: We have 5, I mean 5 Children!!! Crazy to think I have given birth 5 times. But all 5 are worth it and I would not change it.

Truly the best sound my ears had ever herd. The sound we have been dreaming of for the past 38+ weeks. 

Just a handful of hours after she was born we started to play dress up. I love this outfit since it was so fitting that she is our Rainbow and will have daddy wrapped around his finger. 

My Grandmother kissing her 9th great grandchild. Love you!!!

All 5 of our children in one photo 

John sharing in a moment with his daughter. So sweet to see and watch him with her. 

A moment with Jaylee and I in the hospital about 24 hours after she was born. 

Getting ready to pack up and head home where it should all become real.

Jaylee all dressed and ready to head on out. The boys were so excited to get her home and they wasted no time on sharing her big sister with her and of course fighting over who gets to hold her next.

Once again John and I have full hearts of deep gratitude for everyone that has prayed and supported us through this journey. There will never be the right way to say Thank You. So Thank you for always being there and may the Lord bless you and your families in return. We feel your love and support in our home and the blessing that come. Rainbows do happen and I pray that we all get a rainbow at the end of what ever storm we or you face in this life.

The Final Week!!!

Got the rest of my pictures back from Tammy. They all turned out sooo good!!! I love them all. It is hard not to share them all which is strange since I don't like pictures of just me only.

Well!!! Had another NST all is well and baby is looking awesome!! I then went to my doctor appointment where the doctor made it official that I will deliver next Tues. He thinks I am doing really good. My blood pressure was perfect today both in the NST and Doctor's office. I gained two pounds putting my total weight gain at 13 pounds this pregnancy.  I am currently dilated to a 3 and 65% effaced.

As for all my thoughts and emotions there is just to much going on in my head and heart. One thing that I am having hard time with is the similarity in the day of the week all this is taking place. Yes, I am 2 1/2 weeks out from my due date with this little one where I was at my due date with Jocelyn. But It was a Tuesday that I saw my doctor with her and left there with scheduled delivery for the following Tuesday since there was no room for me on Monday and they could not schedule me on my due date since that a was Sunday.  So here we are seeing the doctor on Tuesday with a delivery date the following Tuesday again. It really brings up a lot feelings from Jocelyn and how much I wish she were here along with feelings that I can not even begin to explain.

 John and I have been soooo blessed by so many people around us. We have been loved, supported, prayed for, and just loved. I can not express the gratitude I have for those in our lives and that continue to stand by us. Thank You for your love it is felt everyday. I know it is what has calmed John and I  through out this whole experience. I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses that been placed in our path  for the care of myself and this new little one. I know they have and are doing everything medically possible to ensure a healthy baby and delivery. It truly is in the Lords hands now and taking that leap of faith is way easier said then done. I have had many priesthood blessings through out and they have guided me on some many levels.

So until next Tuesday, unless I get lucky and go into labor on my own I hope to be sharing pictures of our rainbow baby girl Jaylee.

36 Weeks Also Known As 9 Months

This is one my photo's taken by Tammy H with Captured Photography. She has done a beautiful job with my belly pictures and can't wait to see the rest. You can check out few of them on her blog by clicking HERE

I am not sure where to begin with this update since there is sooo much going on!!! But I will try.....
I saw the doctor yesterday Tuesday Aug 14th and while I was there we did the group B strep test which I am sure will be positive since it has been the last two pregnancies. I did lose a pound putting my total weight gain at 11 pounds so far. The appointment overall went well, but I was showing a higher then normal blood pressure that concerned the doctor and said that if it was still high after my NST (non-stress test) that he wanted me to have some blood work done. High blood pressure of course could mean many things in pregnancy and is never a good sign. At least for me I was not having any of the other concerns that go with high blood pressure such as, swelling in the feet/ankles, headache, blurred vision, pain in the chest, and protein/sugars in the urine. All those things are great, so who knows why. Maybe stress and nerves do the many other things on our plate and coming to the end of the pregnancy.

After my appointment I went next door for my NST which went really well, but again the first blood pressure was way high followed by two much lower ones so I was cleared to go without doing blood work. Phew!!! I was very glad for that. I did spend the rest of the day nervous and on edge from it all though. and about 2 hours after I had left my appointment I got a call from the nurse. She had advice me that the doctor reviewed things with another another doctor and had decided that I should go ahead and come back in for the blood work and a growth ultrasound.... Well if I was on edge before was now over the edge and in tears. So I set that appointment for today at 1:30 Aug 15th.

My day went on as usual with other commitments I had going on followed by a nice late night movie with some friends.....This was where my evening changed and got interesting. About half way through the movie I started feeling some uncomfortable back contractions. They went on for over an hour when I decided to get up and step out for moment. They did not stop and continued through the end of the movie. My two very sweet friends were concerned and had me call the on call doc who happened to be the 2nd doctor that looked at my file earlier that day. She advice for me to come even if it turned out to be nothing since I was having blood pressure issues earlier in the day.

I then called my parents to come sit at my house with the kids, Oh did I mention it was 12:45am at night. My parents arrived where my dad stayed at my house and my mom, John, Jori, and I went to the hospital. Once there things seemed to be slowing down, but still contacting. They monitored for me for some time and checked my blood pressure which came back normal!! YAY!! No longer needing the blood work at all. They also checked my cervix which is dilated to a two. I am glad to know that I am already making some progress even though I could stay that way all the way to the end. The doctor still wanted me back for the ultra sound that I scheduled. We were then released to go home about 3am. They did say it appeared that I over did it and that I was dehydrated and needed to increase my water in take. Yes I have been lectured about this before. For the most part I feel that I am doing well with the water in take, but yes there are days that are go go go and before you know it you have not eaten or drank anything.

Now for today's ultra sound appointment: Which went really well baby girl is measuring on target with due date at 6.3 pounds give or take a little. She remains head down which is great since big sister was breach and I do not want to deal with the idea of turning baby again. I will have another NST this coming Friday and then see the doctor weekly until baby is here. And yes!! If you are wondering the doctor I saw yesterday since my regular doctor was out of the office did set an induction date for Aug 28th. So we will need to see if my doctor wants to stay with that day or not. If  I deliver that day it will put me 38 weeks and 3 days.

Wow!! The thought that I could have this baby in two weeks is more then I can process mentally. Emotionally I am all over from being excited to scared out of my mind. I am really ready for it to be over so my nerves can have break. I have worked hard to find joy in all this and have but it sure has not been the same as our past babies.

I did take some time with my mommy today and went to have a pedicure done and get my toes done for delivery so here is a picture of my toes complete with a nice girlie rainbow. I think the lady doing my nails was not sure what to think hehehe.....

32 weeks aka 8 Months

32 weeks and count down is on!!!

Physically I am doing great with of course all the normal pregnancy discomforts and uncomfortableness. Emotionally I am a complete nut case and feel drained all the time and really just want to be at the end to hold and love this new little one. The boys are getting more excited everyday and ask all the time how much longer and if everything will be ok.

This week I started my twice weekly Fetal Testing of non stress test and amniotic fluid assessment. These tests are harmless and tell the doctor how the baby is growing along with the placenta giving what it should. My fetal testing was yesterday followed by my doctor appointment. I have to say since this testing is new to me I was not sure what to expect. The only thing I knew was that they can be long if baby does not do what they need her to do.

Once I was there and learned the details of the test and what they an tell us I actually felt emotional for the fact they stirred up my thoughts and emotions that I have dealt with in the past regarding Jocelyn and all my whys and whats. I guess not fully knowing what happened and only taking guesses at possibilities it will always be something that will come back and hit me hard. So needless to say later in the day after my appointment I had to take a moment and let the tears fall. I miss her so much and wish she was here physically to be a big sister to her little sister. I just want her little sister to be safe and be here in our arms.....

After the testing was done I met with my doctor: The results of the test were normal. Baby is moving well, strong heartbeat, and fluids are looking great. I lost a couple of pounds so that puts my total weight gain at
7 pounds for this pregnancy. In talking with my doctor we still have not set a delivery date because he feels that if my tests come back normal and show now signs of concern, he may let me go to the full end or as close as possible to guarantee we leave with our baby. I will be honest I have had mixed emotions of delivering early. There is part me that wants to delivery early just to know we have her, but just because 37 weeks is consider term does not mean her lungs are ready. So there is that part of me that wants to leave her in tell she is ready. I would feel ok to deliver a little early some where between 38-39 weeks. It will all depend on what my doctor feels. I have had several blessings through out this pregnancy and they all have stated I need to listen to my doctor and that is what I am doing. I trust him and what he is doing. I know that he and his staff are and have been doing everything medically to be sure we do not repeat the past. Not fully knowing what really happened and why. So at this point the life this little one is in the Lords hands and what he has in store for her. So we continue to take one day at a time and keep faith that this little one will get to live here on earth with us.

Again I can not thank everyone enough for all their continued love and support on this new journey of pregnancy after loss. It is truly felt in our home and hearts. We pray that you all will blessed in your trials and hardships as well. 

The 4th Of July Parade

Well This past 4th of July was sure a fiery one!!! When half the state on fire along with several neighboring states the debate to do fire works was on....We chose to save the money and go to a local display. But before the evening events... Jarren was in the Parade with his karate class. Jacob was suppose to be in as well but decided he wanted to watch rather then be in the parade.

The back side of Jacob in blue, Joseph in red, and my niece Sophia in her cute skirt waiting to see Jarren.

 Jarren waiving to us with some of his class.

 Jarren stopping to demonstrate his nun chuck moves he has learned.

Trailing the karate class is my dad in his car with a few of the younger members learning the karate art.

4th Grade Project

This past school year Jarren's 4th grade class worked on a large report that consisted of written, oral, poster board, and side project. After the grade was given they did a program and display for all the parents to come and see. Each person in class was assigned a county in the state of UT. Jarren was given Millard County.

 This project was not my favorite to say the least, but in the end I learned a lot along with Jarren and enjoyed the things that I did learn. Since his county was within a 2 hour drive we did take a day trip to check out some of the sites and gather pictures for his report and side projects.

The most well know city in Millard County is Fillmore and there we learned that it was the capital of UT before Salt Lake City was. We were able to get several photos to us for his poster board and a scrapbook for his extra project.

Jarren's cover to his scrapbook he made with a little help from mommy. Jarren did a great job!!! John and I are very proud of him and his excitement to learn.

 Jarren with  his 4th grade class for their county program. I wish I was closer to have gotten a much better pictures. Jarren as you can see is in the front wearing bright green. At lease he was easy to pick out.

 Jarren waiting for his Que in the program. Can't believe he will be in 5th grade this fall.

After the program we went back to his class room to see all the posters and projects his class did on their county. Of course Joseph needed to be in the picture with is brother.

28 Weeks aka 7 Months!!!

Wow!! This month is going by fast!! Thankfully :) 28 weeks/ 7 months so far things are going well nothing different then my last four children. Which makes me happy and nervous all at the same time.

At my last appointment this past Tuesday June 19th baby's heartbeat was 150, I am measuring on target and my glucose test came back normal which is nice. I am a little low in my iron which could explain my extra fatigue and sleepiness. My weight gain so far is only 6 pounds which makes me very happy. I will see the doctor in two weeks then after that weekly again with non stress tests and growth measurements to prepare to deliver early between 37-38 weeks.

Overall I am doing well. Emotionally I am ready for my little white padded cell to contain my anxiety that has increased since reaching the 3rd trimester. I am sorry to those who have been victims of my unintentional rudeness when asked how I am doing or if everything is ok this time and got a response of  " Well nothing was wrong last time". We really do not know why Jocelyn passed her whole pregnancy was normal like the boys and her little sister that we so wanting to get here. We only know that she was below birth weight when she was born at 40 weeks and there are still no answers as to why. Thank You to all of you for your continued love and support it is felt everyday and Thank you mostly for putting up with me. We Love you all so much and are glad you are part of our lives.

Pictures Taken October 2011

So almost a year ago I took and had the boys pictures done by me friend Tammy Hicks who owns Captured Photography, but got very buys and forgetful. So today I finally called her to get them just in time to book another photo session in a few months. Yay! Me right? ;).  So I have updated their photo in the right hand side bar but here some other favorites. Thanks Tammy!!!!

Yes Jacob has one blue and one green eye and by the time we got to do a group photo he was more then done taking pictures since it really is not is favorite thing to do. But I love how they all turned out. My only regret is not getting them sooner.

Joseph Graduates From Preschool

It is crazy how time flies!!! It was just yesterday that Joseph was born and I held him for the 1st time and now he is 5 1/2 and getting ready to move on to Kindergarten this fall. He is with out a doubt very unique and loving. Never shy and always willing to tell you like it is.

So on June1st he had his preschool graduation from Crayon Clubhouse preschool where he attended for two years. I love his teacher Miss Janet who has more patients then anyone I know. I will miss her and hope that she is still teaching down the road.

Our little Preschool Graduate. All cheese in that cute face of his

  

One last picture of his preschool class with his teach Miss Janet

Walking into his graduation with a cute wave to mom and dad!!

 So Proud!! Has he is now officially a kindergartner.

With Daddy and I

And a little video of him speaking about some of the things he learned this past year in preschool.

Such Powerful & Comforting Words

The Principle of Compensation

Photograph of Elder Wirthlin © 2004 IRI

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1917–2008), “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov. 2008,

I read this today in the June Ensign and these words hit home and are what I really needed to hear today. So I felt I was not the only that may need to here them. I know many others that suffer with losses of many kinds. May you find peace in these words the way I have today.

24 Weeks 4 days AKA 6 Months and More

My belly at 24 weeks

 Wow!!! Some days it seem like things are going so fast and others very very slow. But overall everything is moving a long great at this point, which is calming but for me I am never fully calm since my past four pregnancy were fabulous at this point at well and with our fourth that changed in a blink of an eye in very end. But I am taking what I get and loving the miracle and time I get with this new little one. I hope and can't wait to be holding her in my arms crying and screaming. Oh a beautiful sound that will be.....

So as you all you know my regular OB sent me to see a high risk doc at Intermountain  Medical Center (IMC) a partner hospital in the Intermountain Health Care (IHC) System in the State of UT which does have a monopoly on most things around here. We are also very blessed to live in the Salt Lake Valley were we do have a plethora of choice in health care and hospitals as well. In the past I have delivered all our children except Jarren at Alta View Hospital a smaller hospital that is part of IHC. So our plan with this new little one, was at the half way point I would be released back to my regular OB to deliver with him.....But how ever things can't always go the way we want them. Our new Insurance goes into affect in July which does not use IHC hospitals as a provider hospital. So with that I will not be able to go back and deliver with my regular OB. So we will be staying with the high risk doctor and deliver with him at the University Hospital aka the U. I am very bummed that I will not get to have my original plan and honestly I am little nervous, since I do not know anything about the U. I have herd great things about them and they are right next to Primary Children's Hospital so I know that if anything were to happen I am in awesome care for this new little.

So today was my first appointment up at the U with the same doctor I have been seeing. We were able to do another full ultra sound and baby girl is measuring on target for due date and very active. They were still unable to get all the things they wanted to see because she would not fully stretch out for them. She was enjoying her play time with her toes. Then on to see the doctor all in the same location, which I love that they do things that way here. Anyway the doc thinks I am doing great and has said we can discontinue the daily heparin shots I mentioned a few posts back. YAY!!! no more shots!! My weight gain at this point is only 3 pounds. Yay me!!!  I will continue to see the doctor now every two weeks before going back to the weekly appointments some time about 30 weeks when we will start the Non-Stress tests.  We are also planning on delivering early some where between the 37th and 38th week. The only thing I am not looking forward to is the much longer drive to the U from our home. But we do live in a large area with a trax transit system with a station less then 10 min from our home with a straight ride to the hospital. That should save some money on gas even though it will take an extra 15min to get there.

 I nice view of her butt and legs.

 My favorite there goes those fingers in the bottom to grab those toes again. They tried to capture one of her holding her toes but she would let go for sec then grab them again.

Good nice side profile of her cute little face. This one brings tears to my eyes that I am really having another baby. I wish it were August already....

then a cute set of feet hanging out.

I want all our loved ones, family and friends to know how much we love you and are so grateful to have you in our lives. Thank you for your continue support through this journey with us. Your love and prayers are felt more then you know.. Thank You Thank You.

Oh, ok now for something funny and embarrassing that I can laugh at now but was not funny at the time.... Back when this all started and I had that first appointment at about 6-7 weeks. I was so nervous not knowing where I was going or unsure how the office operated. I was so used to my regular OB's office I did not know what to expect at this new office. So upon checking in I was asked to give the standard urine sample. While in the bathroom I had written my name on the cup to learn after I had filled the cup that they also wanted my birth date. So I add that to the cup very carefully. But while juggling the cup to put the pen back I dropped the cup with my sample in it all over me and the floor!!! I was mortified and just wanted to go home at this point and take another shower. But I also knew I could not leave the bathroom until I left a sample. So I did the best I could to clean up and try to get a few more drops out. hahahaha. I was crying by this point though. The nurse was very kind and comforting after I was done and told her what had happened. She said I was not the only that has happened to. I told her I promised I am not always crazy. Oh the things I will will get to tell this new little one when she gets here.

If It Is Not One Thing, It's Another...

 I did not want to be right....

For those who have known  me for a very long time. Know that when I was in 6th & 7th grade I was diagnosed with Scoliosis, which is a curvature of the spine. My spine was shaped like an S. I wore this horrible brace for two years, followed by surgery at the age of 13. Where they put metal rods in my back. Before my surgery my top curve was 70% curve and my bottom curve was 50%. After the surgery I was and currently at 20% and 15% curvature. Everything turned out fine and wonderful, yes the bars make it so I can not have an epidural, but that is ok.....

So moving forward.... I have noticed for a while that our youngest son Joseph seemed to be off or uneven in his rib cage so my first thought is could he have what I have. Since that is what happens when the spine is not straight, it affects everything else. This past week Joseph had his well check for Kindergarten this fall. I asked the doctor to check him scoliosis. Which is not common for someone his age to even show signs or start to present an issue. The doctor agreed that his rib cage was not symmetrical and ordered an x-ray.

The doctor's office called this morning to confirm that Joseph in deed does have scoliosis with a 18% curvature to the right with compensation to the left. I was then given a number for the Orthopedics Dept at primary Children's. I just cried because I know what I went through and did not want our children to have to go through it as well. And to have 18% at the age of 5 concerns me heavily. At this point he is fine and will mostly be watched for things to worsen. So hopefully things will stay the way they are.One concern I have is how much of it affects his asthma on the one side where the lungs are being affected by his rib cage closing in. I know that my curve affected mine lungs.

On a positive note I am soooo grateful that we live in a place that is rated top in Orthopedic care and to have access to one of the top pediatric hospitals in the country. I also hope that technology has come a long way since my journey with this that it will be smooth for him if things progress. Besides we have been through worse and have been made stronger to take on this new challenge. Just the int ital information through me for a loop. Joseph is a happy normal 5 year old and this will not keep him from doing anything he wants. I love him so much and can't believe he is starting Kindergarten this fall. Times does go by fast.

Another Girl And More....

 

It sure has thrown us for a loop that we are having another girl, well maybe just me. I thought and for sure felt that we were having another boy. I never thought we would have another girl. John and had talked about when we were expecting Jocelyn about how cool it would be to have another girl to play with big sister. We love watching our boys play and be friends. So now that I am getting what I wanted in around about way my thoughts are all over the place......

Before learning that baby #5 was a girl I was asked by many  what I wanted this baby to be and my stance has always been what ever the Lord wants to send us. I have always felt this way even when we had our boys. I guess I feel that since I have way too many close friends and family with fertility issues and the heart ache I have seen them go through. I needed to be grateful that I was able to convince easily and that my pregnancies are smooth. So with that as a blessing how could I be selfish in saying what I wanted the sex of the baby to be. I just want my children to be healthy.  So that is all I prayed for and continue to pray for.....

....Yes things are very different this time and my thoughts and emotions of boy or girl have been heavy. I still was ok either way, but I did feel that if this baby was a boy that I had a better chance of everything turning out perfect. Some where in my brain I have felt as though my body had a gender preference. Yes, I know this is not true, but after having three boys and then to go to my due date and not get to bring my little girl home makes one feel this way. I also felt that having a boy would confirm to others that Jocelyn and this baby are two separate people, but having another boy I also felt that would mean that Jocelyn was my only chance for a girl.

Now that we know we are having a girl. Settling into that fact, my thoughts are grateful that we are blessed with another chance to raise a girl in this life. I do worry about making it to the end safely and if my body will allow me to keep her. I also don't want people think that she is replacing Jocelyn or that they are the same or thinking that having another girl or baby for that matter makes everything all better. I feel a different spirit growing within and still feel Jocelyn near holding my hand. I miss her more then ever while feeling hope and added healing through all this as well. But nothing will ever replace Jocelyn either.

As each day passes in this pregnancy feeling baby move and growing my anxiety grows as well. I am physically well with all your normal pregnancy discomforts, but emotionally I want to be at the end of it and to be holding my baby in my arms and well. At times it feels like I am looking through a mirror with this baby. I feel all the excitement of this new life but yet reliving my time with Jocelyn. No matter how much I fight it, I can't it is there. I think of the things I will get to do with this baby and know they are the things I never go to have with big sister. At times I feel I am living a double life or a strange mirror image. All this makes it hard to even think I could actually bring home a little girl and be dressing her in pinks and purples. Just being pregnant again so not what I thought. I knew it would be hard but still looked at it different. I work hard every day to stay positive and to enjoy it. Yes I do find joy in this pregnancy how could I not. I don't want to take any of  it for granted. But it takes work to stay in the happy place all the time.

I love watching the boys grow with excitement and yet they hold the same concerns. They are so comforting through the addition of this new little one. My fears of losing another child are not about if I could handle it again, but I could not watch my boys go through it again. The pain they felt losing their sister was far more painful to watch then my own pain. But even with all their concerns they do hold such great hope for a happy ending......

....One thing that is awkward for me is the questions that come from strangers when they ask when I am due and what number this one is. I do answer honestly and most of the time the conversation is over. But it is hard to be that truly giddy person. Even with people I know who ask how I am and when I respond well they have this relived look as though everything is ok. But everything was ok with Jocelyn too, so for me there will be no relief until I am holding this little one.

The other day when dropping Joseph off at preschool one the other mom's who is due with her 3rd in a few weeks asked how far a long I was and when I said at the time almost 23 weeks she replied "Oh good you are past the scary part of being pregnant". I was taken back a little, at no fault of hers she does not know. But it was that reality of yes I do live in another world and oh I wish I could live in her world again. I pray that all goes well for her to stay in that world. I am learning to accept this new world still and find joy and new understanding in it all while learning and feeling the hope that grows with in my belly now. We are truly gifts of God and he has in trusted me with another of his sweet spirits. What comfort and honor to be given that trust.

Pregancy After Jocelyn....

As you all know we are referring to this baby our fifth child as our Rainbow and some of you may be asking what that means. I love the following quote I saw the other day on a friends facebook page and felt it explained it perfectly..

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

~Courtney

Being pregnant again since Jocelyn's birth and passing is nothing like I thought it would be. I knew that it would be different and that I would feel some anxiety and hope all at the same time. But Also thought that some emotions, feelings and thoughts I have had before becoming pregnant would have changed by allowing my old thoughts and feelings to return. Oh I was so wrong.....To fully explain it would take up a whole other post. So in short: Part of my grieving process has gone through many stages, but there was one that I spent a lot of time in. That was the anger stage not because Jocelyn is not here physically (although I did pass through that one as well) It was at how much my life has changed and that I have forever changed and there was and there is no going back to the old me. I was so angry and not willing to accept it. It has only been in the last few months since Jocelyn's 2nd birthday that I have started to except that. Excepting that I really do have a new normal and thought process also means excepting that some people in my life can not except the new me. They still want the old me to return. But that just is not so. I recently read an article that was posted on facebook by another angel mommy that really sums it all up. But it was this part I think says it best.

"It says when you lose a child you DON'T get over it, getting over it is an inappropriate goal, an unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you, it changes the way the birds sing, it changes the way the sun rises and sets. You ARE forever different" 
to read the full write up click here It really is worth the read and other great things that can help one who has lost or a friend that has lost a child.....

Going back to what I thought would change: I thought once I got pregnant again that maybe my feelings for other pregnant women who have not gone through losing their baby would change and my feelings about baby showers also would have changed. But once again I was wrong and surprised that I still felt jealous of other pregnant women. Not because there were pregnant, but because they could still live in the world or bubble that I once did where you got pregnant and 9 months later you had baby in your arms or once you were past the 12th week things were smooth sailing until baby arrived. Only your typical worries of will baby be healthy have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Not my baby could die the day before due date or during labor or even after birth. I felt jealous that they could be truly giddy without minimal worries. That is gone for me I wish I could honestly feel that way again. I also thought I would be ok with baby showers again and I still can not go to them. It is still a painful reminder that I had one for Jocelyn a week before her due date, and a week later when I should have been bringing her home. But did not leaving me with all the great gifts that she would have used. Maybe one day those feelings will change, but for now they are what they are and I have come to except them. I worry for my fellow pregnant sisters and pray that they never have to feel the pain and loss that my family and I have.

Being pregnant again has also brought joy and hope that we will get to add to our family and heal our hearts some with a new baby. It really is bittersweet. I love being pregnant and feeling this new life growing and with more movements frequently is joyous, but still leaving John and I cautiously excited. We do not plan to buy anything until after baby is here, because it is something I just can not bring myself to do since I spent so much time getting things ready for Jocelyn and ended up with a heart in a million pieces. Everyday is different. I spend a lot of time and energy working on self talk to stay positive and many moments in prayer to help feel the lords comfort and that it is all in his hands. We are doing everything possible that this new little one gets here but in the end it will the the Lords will. We do not know what the Lord has planned for this little spirit, but I know we are blessed to be it parents to love and care for it.

The boys are also excited, but have reservations as well. They frequently ask if baby is ok, will baby get to live with us or will baby go live with Jocelyn in heaven. At times they bring tears to my eyes, not because of what they say but because they are so young and truly understand that there are no guarantees in this life and that death is real. This understanding also has made them very compassionate and caring for others feelings. Their little testimonies and faith in the Lord always a reminder to me that God really is in all things if we but have faith in him.

Over all we glad to be adding to our family and look forward to meeting this new little one!! We know that big sister is right there helping us and guiding us on this new chapter or our new normal.

Baby Update and More.....

We are now 19 weeks 5days just a few days from being half way done!! Some days it seems like it is going fast and other days it seems like it going slow....

I am being seen at Intermountain Internal Fetal Medicine by Dr Branch. My Regular OB Dr. L. Smith sent me to him after Jocelyn was born for a consultation of a future pregnancy. He has been seeing me weekly since learning we were excepting baby#5. Through our visits he does little mini ultra sounds to check heart beat and see how things look at quick glance. Because we do not have answers as to why big sister Jocelyn died, but only have some speculation that it may have been linked to the placenta, but there is no way to know for sure. That being said he put me on low dose heparin shots since there is some research that shows being on low blood thinner can help the health of the placenta and growth of baby. There is no risk to baby so I thought why not. I am willing to do anything to get this little one here. No, I can not give the shot to myself I have tried, but John has been doing very well at giving them to me. One downer to the shots is they do leave some ugly bruises and at times are painful and sensitive. But it is all worth it!!!

So here we are at this point of the pregnancy!! I am 19 weeks 2 days in this picture and hope to keep you updated with more pictures as this baby gets bigger. I have only gained 2 pounds at this point. My weight has been a concern for me since I have not done anything to really loose weight a head of time. So I did start this pregnancy out the heaviest I have ever been in my life. The doctor said he was fine if I did not gain weight and if I do, try and keep at to 10 pounds or less. Excess weight can lead to late term complications if not watched closely. I am careful on my portions and how eat.

Yes I am getting to the big question..... This past week we went in for the Big formal ultra sound and wow is all I have to say. I have never felt so much anxiety for and during an ultra sound. Not because of what the sex of the baby might be, but to know that everything is ok. That baby looks healthy, growing on target for due date, and all other things. At this point baby is looking very well. They do want me to come back for a follow up since this little one was way to wiggly for them to get everything they wanted to see. In fact baby did two flips while looking at baby's brain and heart. I just giggled thinking oh great this one will be like Joseph. But being there and seeing everything they look at really lets you know how much of a miracle life really is and all that goes into making a little person. Simply beautiful.

Now for what you all want to know!!! The boys and Jocelyn will be getting a little Sister. Yes we are having another girl!! Crazy since I was for sure thinking it was a boy. But all is well. We have picked a name for her, although John and I have not settled on the final spelling of it. But her name will be Jaylee or possible spelled Jaylie which is what I am leaning toward. As for a middle name we will save that for after she is born.

And there she is you can see her face in this one. Something Jocelyn never let you do. Over all looking forward to meeting her in another 19 weeks or so. I know that they plan to deliver me a little early which I am looking forward to help with the nerves.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support and prayers that all goes well and will continue to go well. Now that I am almost half way you will see more regular updates on baby along with more pictures. It has been something that has been difficult to open and share. But the secret is out.....

Easter Sunday 2012

Easter is of one my favorite holidays and times to really stop and think about our Savior Jesus Christ and his sacrifice and resurrection. Giving us all the same gift of living eternally one day. I love the following song and is so perfect for such a perfect moment


We began our morning with all the traditions of the Easter Bunny and taking a moment to teach the kids what the day really stands for.

After getting everyone ready we loaded up to head up to my grandmother's place to spend the rest of the day with family. But first we stopped at the cemetery to leave Jocelyn her purple peeps. While there the sun was shining and was such a beautiful day. I looked around with such gratitude and peace to know that all the loved ones there would one day get to be reunited with their families. That is such a wonderful thought and brings joy to my heart.
Upon arriving to my grandparents we finished hiding Easter eggs for all the kids to find followed by an Easter lunch.....

Jarren and my niece Sophia looking for eggs in the bushes.

Stockton a cousin, Sophia, Jacob, and Abby a cousin looking happy with their findings....

Jacob searching away....I try hard to get him on camera since as you know it is not his favorite thing to do.

Joseph making sure that he is finding all the eggs that are OK and peanut free. Although they were all safe for him to eat.

Jarren and Stockton racing to get the last egg up out of the tree.....They really all had a great time. After eating and visiting with family we gathered the kids for coloring Easter eggs. I made most of my kids strip down so they would not get dye on all their new clothing. Even my dad and brother in law Layne got into the action.

bottom left to right: Joseph, Layne,Jacob, Jarren, My dad, and Stockton

Left to right: Sawyer, Abby, Joseph

Left to right:Layne, Stockton, Jacob, Jarren

Jarren enjoying his creations

Left to right: My mom, John, Amie, Zoey, and Heather

Look I got my mom and John to smile for me!!

Amie my cousin, Heather my sister, and Justin my cousin

It really was such a great time with family. I would have to say one my most favorite gatherings since we actually had everyone there which is very rare when everyone runs busy life's. We were fortunate to get a complete family picture with my grandparents and their legacy.

 

 

What a great legacy to see my grandparents in the middle with their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren with spouses. Just amazing when you really think about the eternities.

Another rarity is being able to just get a complete family picture with just my parents and us kids' families.


I hope and pray this past Easter was one of joy for your family and that you can always find joy in one another even when times are not very enjoyable. Lots of love from our family to yours.