The Concept Of Time From The Mind Of An 8 Year Old

Me: How are things going at school?

Jarren: ok mom

Me: Remember if you ever want or need to talk about Jocelyn let me know.

Jarren: ok mom....

***Short pause while I tuck him in bed for the night*****

Jarren: Mom...I have not been thinking about Jocelyn, because I have really been focusing on earning a purple card.

Me: That is ok. Jocelyn would like that.

Jarren: It does not mean I do not still love my sister. It just that she died a long time ago.

***tears welling in my eyes****

Me: I know that time is seems different for you and I know that you will always love your sister. It is still hard for me and your dad.

Jarren: I know mom. It is harder for the adults.

**I try not to laugh**

Me: It is harder for us.

Jarren: I love you mom and it is ok.

***We Hug and kiss each other good night***

One Three Year Old To Another

While standing in my bathroom this was the conversation I over heard between Joseph and his friend when sitting on my bed......

Carson: "Is that picture you?"

Joseph: "yes, do you see my brothers?"

Carson: "That is Jarren..."

Joseph: " .....and that is Jacob!" "look on the other side...."

Carson: " K, I like your picture".

Joseph: " See that one it is Jocelyn"

Joseph: " See Jocelyn!?"

Carson: " yay..."

A Short pause....

Joseph: " She died...Jocelyn is my sister".

Carson: "Oh? lets go down stairs"

Joseph: " Ok"

The sound of little feet to the basement they went.

The Pain

At times I think I am truly going crazy!! These last couple of days have been very difficult. I can not even begin to say how much we miss our little girl. The pain that I fill in my arms and chest are at times unbearable and there is no drug to make the pain go away. I have found myself waking from unsettled sleep wanting to go and dig into the ground just to hold her and feel her in my arms.

I am often asked or told the phrase "How hard this must be". I sometimes want to say" No, being laid off work and having no income is hard. This is excruciating and at times feel there is no end to it. Only wishing and praying for the pain to subside just enough to feel normal as though I am not facing this task of endurance". That is when I find myself asking Heavenly Father to just hold my hand so that I know I can do this and will endure this. I am then quickly reminded that He truly knows my pain for Heavenly Father felt the same pain when his only begotten son Jesus Christ died for each us and his sacrifice was not without pain or suffering.

When the moments are difficult to face and all I want to do is scream and to have someone hear me out without commenting back of sorrows or condolences or the things I already know and have great faith in. Just here me without saying a word knowing that I have been heard is of comfort and healing.

Thoughts

So I have been keeping a journal of thoughts and feelings over the last month and half about what our family's new normal what ever that may be at times. Most days we feel we are on a roller coaster of emotions from sadness, loneliness, joy , pleasure, peace, anger, and the list goes on..........

I have spent lots of time on my knees in prayer. I find myself thanking Heavenly Father for all my blessings and for my daughter even though she can not be with us physically. I do truly feel blessed. My heart is so full of gratitude for our family, friends, and ward members who have gone out of their way to be there in support of us. I can't even begin to express my thanks to everyone. For there are not enough words or ways to say Thank You!!! I love each and everyone who has been there for us.

A friend sent this to me and it really says it all. For I know that God has his reasons as to why he needed our sweet princess and only in his time will John and I come to know his full reasons.



I also have added to Get To Know Jocelyn in the right hand side bar if you would like to read and see added photos. I will continue to add to this over time as well.