Milestones Of Broken Dreams

Today! I should have shared what was to be your big day! The 1st day of Kindergarten with a new hair bow, matching outfit and a backpack big as you are. Saying good bye with that bitter sweet tear of how big you have gotten, knowing how much fun you are going to have in Kindergarten........

I may not have gotten to do these things with you but I did get that tear in my eye as I saw all the cute pictures of your would be classmates posted on Facebook and took joy in seeing their excitement of their next big moment in life.

It is crazy how much time has gone by and at the same time it is as though it was yesterday. This year has been much harder then I thought knowing today was coming and the great things that come from being 5 years old.  Today stung very deep to the point my heart actually hurt, knowing that I was not taking you to your first day of school. Making this the hardest milestone thus far in this life long journey of grief and growth. I know you are here with me through every moment watching over us.

So while today is another notch in hard milestones with more to come. I will day dream of you in a much different class room learning personally from the greatest teacher ever. I imagine you with other little children gone too soon, crowed around listening to our savior Jesus Christ.

Always in our hearts and never forgotten, till we meet again butterfly princess.

Our 4th Annual Service Project: Updated...

Back in January we had our annual Jocelyn service project. Where we collected fabric for a an amazing organization Teeny Tears. They make and create little diapers for preemie and micro preemie babies and their bereaved families. I have had the honor through my volunteer service with Share parents of Utah to help place these sweet diapers on these precious angels. There are no words to express how the parents of these angels feel when they see their baby dressed and treated with love and care in a time of great sorrow.

Through out the month of January we received lots of amazing donations of flannel for Teeny Tears. Even the women of our previous church ward ,Mill Canyon ward, put together a diaper making event where we were able to cut, start and complete diapers. In there were over 300 diapers in various stages from start to finish. I am sooo grateful for those women. It was wonderful evening of seeing old friends who have always been an amazing support to my family. Thank you!!!!

 My mother was able to come and help cut out diapers with us.

These two amazing ladies are the creators behind Teeny Tears and devote many hours of love into getting these diapers to hospitals across the country and out of the country. I am honored to know them and help.

I also received an amazing donation in Jocelyn's name from Angel Outfitters another group or sister group to Teeny Tears that make and supply buntings, hats, headbands to help dress theses sweet angels. This amazing donation will be used by local hospitals here in Utah, for Share parents of Utah.

I also had received amazing little outfit knitted by my childhood best friend Amber to be donated. As well as these cute little hats knitted by a co-worker of my mother.

I am overly grateful for all those who helped in making this years service project a success. It warms my heart to know that families who will sadly experience a loss of a child will be cared for with these items for their sweet precious angel babies. Thank You again!!

Truly a beautiful site of all the those fabrics and diapers.

Jocelyn's Fourth Annual Service Project

I am pleased and excited to be working with Teeny Tears Bereavement Diapers This year!!! By doing a fabric drive.

"Teeny Tears is a service organization that provides tiny flannel diapers at no charge to hospitals and bereavement support organizations for families that have suffered the loss of a preemie or micropreemie child through stillbirth or NICU loss"

 To learn more about teeny tears please visit their blog at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/2011/07/welcome-to-teeny-tears.html

As a volunteer with Share Parents of Utah and having the opportunity to place these diapers on such little angels and seeing their parents light up knowing their child was properly clothed in a diaper made just for them is a very special.

So from now until the end Of January I will be collecting any and all sorts of flannel fabric that will be used to make and create these diapers to be donated to hospitals across the country. If you are able and willing to help this awesome organization please drop fabric off at my home or contact me to come pick up.
Flannel is preferred but soft cotton also is welcomed as well.

If you aren't able to contribute any fabric but still want to help. You can donate directly to Teeny Tears at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ and to the left is donation option through PayPal. Funds are used for the purchase of fabric, other supplies to make the diapers and shipping costs to the send them out to the hospitals. Any amount would be very much appreciated. If you chose to donate please list in the comments "In Memory of Jocelyn"

For those of you that want or are able to make and donate any finished diapers you can request a free pattern by emailing teenytears@gmail.com(email not hyper linked)
I will be making diapers on Jocelyn Birthday January 16th so feel free to come on over to my home and join me if you would like.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance in helping this well needed service for "A person is a person no matter how small"

Photos Taken from the Teeny Tears Blog. Thank You!!!

A Rainbow In My Arms, An Angel In My Heart

One might think or hope that having baby after a loss would fully heal the heart......

I am afraid to say the answer to this is complicated. Bittersweet does not even begin to explain the war of emotions. I know and knew another child could never replace Jocelyn nor would I want to. But to know this and to actually feel it are two very very different things. I am not sure I can even explain it, but I am going to attempt it.

Strange to think that 10 days ago Jaylee turned one. The day she was born was a dream one of the most surreal moments. My feelings of what if my body only carried boys with successful outcome were laid to rest. My aching arms for my baby gone to soon were filled again in love and joy making every stressful moment of being pregnant again worth it. I was amazed at every little thing each note in her first cry, her expression as she looked at me for the first time. The instant bond between father and daughter. I know I cherished theses moments with my boys but to really see them and feel them after you have felt your world shatter from the passing of your baby truly changes the view. I was fearful of missing out of any moment or detail in fear that it would end or disappear any moment. At times I felt I needed to soak in double the amount to try to make up for what I missed with Jocelyn.

A view from a year ago....

This was my view to help me stay focused on the task at hand

A brief moment with out pain or contractions

The joys of natural labor with my best friend, father of my children and the love of my life by my side.

Truly a moment I will never forget of filling my arms with such sounds and views

Introducing daddy to his rainbow princess

No words for how I feel looking at this picture.

Jaylee truly has brought a beautiful rainbow into our home. Her brothers cater to her every moment from the time they wake in the morning to the time they go to bed. To see the love they have for her, as well as the bitter sweetness they to feel.

While there is true healing being felt there begins a new chapter in this life long grief process. I feel some old wounds reopen and a new lesson of understanding and acceptance of a new normal begin. While being so in love and soaking in each new beautiful milestone of firsts moments triggers the war of two emotions that do not belong together. But some how they are being felt at the very same moment. Joy and Sorrow, as each milestone brings new joy, excitement, sorrow and longing of all things I never got to share in this life with Jocelyn. Tears of happiness flow at that first smile, first laugh, first giggle followed by tears of heartache that I never got to have with big sister. How is this possible? To feel these two emotions soooo strongly at the same time?  There is no explanation, other then they are the emotions that confirm the existence of my two girls. I have had to learn to ride them as they come.

Once we started settling into life and daily routines and feeling these conflicting emotions, came the crazy mom syndrome. We all have it to some degree. I remember them to a point with the boys, but this time it was much more intense. I worried about every little thing, still thinking that at any moment she would be taken from me. Sleeping was so not possible. I spent many nights up just watching her sleep. I spent days not moving off the couch holding her afraid if I moved I miss something. In those nights and days I found tears flowing at how wonderful that she was here and what it would have been like if Jocelyn were here as pesky toddler. I became weary of every little thing, questioned everything I had never questioned before. But overtime they subsided and I began to relax, but there are somethings I still tread more cautiously. These fears and extra concerns didn't affect just myself ,but everyone else as well. Such as about two months ago we had been to dinner at Red Robin and we were trying to finish up and leave. Jaylee got her hands on some paper that she put in her mouth and gagged slightly. Jacob felt I was not taking care of it fast enough so his response to me was "Mom!! hurry she will choke and we Do Not!! want to lose another sister!" Moments like that are when reality is felt and proves that the boys understand far more then one thinks.

Over the past 10 days since Jaylee has turned one. I have felt such peace and joy of what our reality is. The battle of the crazy mom and war of emotions doesn't seem to rage as often. But they are there. I felt them more strongly coming into Jaylee's 1st birthday. I know there will be more of these moments in the future such as school, learning to drive, dating, college and one day a wedding. We will cross those moments with love and excitement with a tender tug at the heart. I hope to share everything with Jaylee and teach her of her sister and how she waits for us and watches over us. Although I am sure Jaylee will teach us of her big sister with moments of quiet where I notice Jaylee laughing, giggling and carrying on with someone but no one is there. But is felt. I would not change the way things are.Ok, maybe every once in while, but I am learning that feeling joy and sorrow at the same time can be a gift of tender mercy to remind me not to take anything for granted.

Tender Items And Moments

Just before Jaylee was born I had ordered this mothers necklace from another angel mom, who was raising money to help other bereaved families in honor of her angel's birthday. I know many have seen it on facebook, but I love this necklace and seeing all my children's names and birthstones.

About the time I got this in mail I started thinking of how small Jaylee is and yet she was little bigger then her sister so I thought for fun lets compare size in a side by side picture their feet. I pulled out one of Jocelyn's feet molds and held it up next to Jaylee's and whoa!! their fee are the same length!!! I love my girls

Another Girl And More....

 

It sure has thrown us for a loop that we are having another girl, well maybe just me. I thought and for sure felt that we were having another boy. I never thought we would have another girl. John and had talked about when we were expecting Jocelyn about how cool it would be to have another girl to play with big sister. We love watching our boys play and be friends. So now that I am getting what I wanted in around about way my thoughts are all over the place......

Before learning that baby #5 was a girl I was asked by many  what I wanted this baby to be and my stance has always been what ever the Lord wants to send us. I have always felt this way even when we had our boys. I guess I feel that since I have way too many close friends and family with fertility issues and the heart ache I have seen them go through. I needed to be grateful that I was able to convince easily and that my pregnancies are smooth. So with that as a blessing how could I be selfish in saying what I wanted the sex of the baby to be. I just want my children to be healthy.  So that is all I prayed for and continue to pray for.....

....Yes things are very different this time and my thoughts and emotions of boy or girl have been heavy. I still was ok either way, but I did feel that if this baby was a boy that I had a better chance of everything turning out perfect. Some where in my brain I have felt as though my body had a gender preference. Yes, I know this is not true, but after having three boys and then to go to my due date and not get to bring my little girl home makes one feel this way. I also felt that having a boy would confirm to others that Jocelyn and this baby are two separate people, but having another boy I also felt that would mean that Jocelyn was my only chance for a girl.

Now that we know we are having a girl. Settling into that fact, my thoughts are grateful that we are blessed with another chance to raise a girl in this life. I do worry about making it to the end safely and if my body will allow me to keep her. I also don't want people think that she is replacing Jocelyn or that they are the same or thinking that having another girl or baby for that matter makes everything all better. I feel a different spirit growing within and still feel Jocelyn near holding my hand. I miss her more then ever while feeling hope and added healing through all this as well. But nothing will ever replace Jocelyn either.

As each day passes in this pregnancy feeling baby move and growing my anxiety grows as well. I am physically well with all your normal pregnancy discomforts, but emotionally I want to be at the end of it and to be holding my baby in my arms and well. At times it feels like I am looking through a mirror with this baby. I feel all the excitement of this new life but yet reliving my time with Jocelyn. No matter how much I fight it, I can't it is there. I think of the things I will get to do with this baby and know they are the things I never go to have with big sister. At times I feel I am living a double life or a strange mirror image. All this makes it hard to even think I could actually bring home a little girl and be dressing her in pinks and purples. Just being pregnant again so not what I thought. I knew it would be hard but still looked at it different. I work hard every day to stay positive and to enjoy it. Yes I do find joy in this pregnancy how could I not. I don't want to take any of  it for granted. But it takes work to stay in the happy place all the time.

I love watching the boys grow with excitement and yet they hold the same concerns. They are so comforting through the addition of this new little one. My fears of losing another child are not about if I could handle it again, but I could not watch my boys go through it again. The pain they felt losing their sister was far more painful to watch then my own pain. But even with all their concerns they do hold such great hope for a happy ending......

....One thing that is awkward for me is the questions that come from strangers when they ask when I am due and what number this one is. I do answer honestly and most of the time the conversation is over. But it is hard to be that truly giddy person. Even with people I know who ask how I am and when I respond well they have this relived look as though everything is ok. But everything was ok with Jocelyn too, so for me there will be no relief until I am holding this little one.

The other day when dropping Joseph off at preschool one the other mom's who is due with her 3rd in a few weeks asked how far a long I was and when I said at the time almost 23 weeks she replied "Oh good you are past the scary part of being pregnant". I was taken back a little, at no fault of hers she does not know. But it was that reality of yes I do live in another world and oh I wish I could live in her world again. I pray that all goes well for her to stay in that world. I am learning to accept this new world still and find joy and new understanding in it all while learning and feeling the hope that grows with in my belly now. We are truly gifts of God and he has in trusted me with another of his sweet spirits. What comfort and honor to be given that trust.

Jocelyn's 2nd Angel Birthday Service Project- UPDATE!!!

Wow!!! I am not sure there are words that can express the love and gratitude that I have for everyone that helped put in cash donations, supply donations, and time to help with the service project to honor my daughter's memory in a service that is needed and will help other families who feel the heart break of losing a child in infancy. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!!! I don't think I have ever felt so much love and met so many selfless women. You are all truly amazing!!!

We had a fabulous turn out at both open house times. Everyone worked hard and enjoyed food and good company.  I loved seeing and visiting with everyone even though I bounced around making sure everyone had boxes at their tables. Here are some pictures from the service project.( only regret not getting any from the afternoon time and more during the evening when more people were around. :(...)

The table in the kitchen all prepared and ready to make boy boxes

Table in the living room is all prepared for making girl boxes

The painting table. At this table we learned what kind of paints work best to cover the boxes nice and evenly.

The yummy snacks for everyone to enjoy.

A great start for the first part of the day!!!

My Friend Steph helping two of my boys put together a couple of boxes.

More boxes being made these fabulous ladies. Thanks!!!

Look at those two beautiful ladies!! Painting away!!!

Jen and myself  enjoying the yummy snacks!!!

 And at the end of the evening we were all burnt out even though a few of us stayed and visited long past 12 midnight. I then did a count of boxes before bed which I now wish I would have wait till morning I missed a few and a few more boxes were dropped off this morning to add to our completed boxes........

We Have 71 Completed Boxes!!!! And 9 Boxes half done!!! WOW!!!! That is far more then my intended goal!!!

WOW!!! Don't they look awesome!!!

Thank You again for all this hard fabulous work!!!

I know my daughter was here to help see this project come together as a success. These precious boxes that have been made with love will be donated to hospitals in the area and to Share Parents of the UT for the precious hand and feet molds of babies gone to soon. It has meant so much to us to have Jocelyn's little hands and feet and to know they are cradled in a sweet box that holds a lot of love. Thank you again and again for helping me in this project.

All the extra supplies and donations will be given to Share parents of UT for future boxes and supplies to help make the molds themselves.

Jocelyn's 2nd Angel Birthday Service Project

 It's so crazy to think that it's been almost two years since we welcomed and said goodbye to our sweet daughter and angel Jocelyn. She has changed our lives in so many ways and showed us things we never thought possible through this journey. She is forever in our hearts and lives.

We continue to honor her memory each year with a service project for bereaved families experiencing the loss of a baby. Last year my friend Amy headed up a tree for the festival trees that raises money for Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City during the Christmas season. In January for her 1st birthday we and others family and friends donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in Jocelyn's name. We are grateful to all who were able to help in these projects.

This Year we are going to make mold boxes that hold the most precious molds of little feet and hands. We were given a box for which to hold Jocelyn's little feet and hands. It has meant so much to us to have this little memento of her. We hope that the boxes we make will be of comfort to other families the way our little box has been to us.

To make this happen and give you more details on how you can help:
On Monday January 16th, Jocelyn's Birthday I will have two open house times. 1pm to 4pm and again at 6pm to 10pm at my home ( please email or call for address and directions).
I do ask that when you come to please bring one box or two if you wish. The boxes can be found at any Hobby Lobby or any craft store. They do come all sizes and shapes. As you all know babies are born at different times and sizes. So all sizes are welcome. If you are not able to come but want to help donations are welcome. $6 will get one large and one small box. You can also donate other supplies like scrapbook paper and white craft paint to paint the boxes and any other craft items that can be used to decorate the boxes. Below are some pictures of boxes to give you an idea of what I am needing and looking for. If you any questions please e-mail me at Hfiles28@comcast.net. The goal is to have 50 boxes so that I may keep 25 for Share parents of UT the support group that has helped us so much and I now volunteer for. We do the molds at the hospitals that do not or unable to do their own molds. The other 25 will be donated to the hospitals that do their own molds.

I want to Thank You for all your love and support in this project and may you feel the blessings of serving others.

These are the boxes I am looking for. This picture was taken at Hobby lobby

These are just few boxes that were completed by other angel mommies and donated to Share. As you see there are several shapes that work well.

This is Jocelyn's box cradling her feet and hand molds.