Milestones Of Broken Dreams

Today! I should have shared what was to be your big day! The 1st day of Kindergarten with a new hair bow, matching outfit and a backpack big as you are. Saying good bye with that bitter sweet tear of how big you have gotten, knowing how much fun you are going to have in Kindergarten........

I may not have gotten to do these things with you but I did get that tear in my eye as I saw all the cute pictures of your would be classmates posted on Facebook and took joy in seeing their excitement of their next big moment in life.

It is crazy how much time has gone by and at the same time it is as though it was yesterday. This year has been much harder then I thought knowing today was coming and the great things that come from being 5 years old.  Today stung very deep to the point my heart actually hurt, knowing that I was not taking you to your first day of school. Making this the hardest milestone thus far in this life long journey of grief and growth. I know you are here with me through every moment watching over us.

So while today is another notch in hard milestones with more to come. I will day dream of you in a much different class room learning personally from the greatest teacher ever. I imagine you with other little children gone too soon, crowed around listening to our savior Jesus Christ.

Always in our hearts and never forgotten, till we meet again butterfly princess.

Our 4th Annual Service Project: Updated...

Back in January we had our annual Jocelyn service project. Where we collected fabric for a an amazing organization Teeny Tears. They make and create little diapers for preemie and micro preemie babies and their bereaved families. I have had the honor through my volunteer service with Share parents of Utah to help place these sweet diapers on these precious angels. There are no words to express how the parents of these angels feel when they see their baby dressed and treated with love and care in a time of great sorrow.

Through out the month of January we received lots of amazing donations of flannel for Teeny Tears. Even the women of our previous church ward ,Mill Canyon ward, put together a diaper making event where we were able to cut, start and complete diapers. In there were over 300 diapers in various stages from start to finish. I am sooo grateful for those women. It was wonderful evening of seeing old friends who have always been an amazing support to my family. Thank you!!!!

 My mother was able to come and help cut out diapers with us.

These two amazing ladies are the creators behind Teeny Tears and devote many hours of love into getting these diapers to hospitals across the country and out of the country. I am honored to know them and help.

I also received an amazing donation in Jocelyn's name from Angel Outfitters another group or sister group to Teeny Tears that make and supply buntings, hats, headbands to help dress theses sweet angels. This amazing donation will be used by local hospitals here in Utah, for Share parents of Utah.

I also had received amazing little outfit knitted by my childhood best friend Amber to be donated. As well as these cute little hats knitted by a co-worker of my mother.

I am overly grateful for all those who helped in making this years service project a success. It warms my heart to know that families who will sadly experience a loss of a child will be cared for with these items for their sweet precious angel babies. Thank You again!!

Truly a beautiful site of all the those fabrics and diapers.

Jocelyn's Fourth Annual Service Project

I am pleased and excited to be working with Teeny Tears Bereavement Diapers This year!!! By doing a fabric drive.

"Teeny Tears is a service organization that provides tiny flannel diapers at no charge to hospitals and bereavement support organizations for families that have suffered the loss of a preemie or micropreemie child through stillbirth or NICU loss"

 To learn more about teeny tears please visit their blog at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/2011/07/welcome-to-teeny-tears.html

As a volunteer with Share Parents of Utah and having the opportunity to place these diapers on such little angels and seeing their parents light up knowing their child was properly clothed in a diaper made just for them is a very special.

So from now until the end Of January I will be collecting any and all sorts of flannel fabric that will be used to make and create these diapers to be donated to hospitals across the country. If you are able and willing to help this awesome organization please drop fabric off at my home or contact me to come pick up.
Flannel is preferred but soft cotton also is welcomed as well.

If you aren't able to contribute any fabric but still want to help. You can donate directly to Teeny Tears at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ and to the left is donation option through PayPal. Funds are used for the purchase of fabric, other supplies to make the diapers and shipping costs to the send them out to the hospitals. Any amount would be very much appreciated. If you chose to donate please list in the comments "In Memory of Jocelyn"

For those of you that want or are able to make and donate any finished diapers you can request a free pattern by emailing teenytears@gmail.com(email not hyper linked)
I will be making diapers on Jocelyn Birthday January 16th so feel free to come on over to my home and join me if you would like.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance in helping this well needed service for "A person is a person no matter how small"

Photos Taken from the Teeny Tears Blog. Thank You!!!

A Rainbow In My Arms, An Angel In My Heart

One might think or hope that having baby after a loss would fully heal the heart......

I am afraid to say the answer to this is complicated. Bittersweet does not even begin to explain the war of emotions. I know and knew another child could never replace Jocelyn nor would I want to. But to know this and to actually feel it are two very very different things. I am not sure I can even explain it, but I am going to attempt it.

Strange to think that 10 days ago Jaylee turned one. The day she was born was a dream one of the most surreal moments. My feelings of what if my body only carried boys with successful outcome were laid to rest. My aching arms for my baby gone to soon were filled again in love and joy making every stressful moment of being pregnant again worth it. I was amazed at every little thing each note in her first cry, her expression as she looked at me for the first time. The instant bond between father and daughter. I know I cherished theses moments with my boys but to really see them and feel them after you have felt your world shatter from the passing of your baby truly changes the view. I was fearful of missing out of any moment or detail in fear that it would end or disappear any moment. At times I felt I needed to soak in double the amount to try to make up for what I missed with Jocelyn.

A view from a year ago....

This was my view to help me stay focused on the task at hand

A brief moment with out pain or contractions

The joys of natural labor with my best friend, father of my children and the love of my life by my side.

Truly a moment I will never forget of filling my arms with such sounds and views

Introducing daddy to his rainbow princess

No words for how I feel looking at this picture.

Jaylee truly has brought a beautiful rainbow into our home. Her brothers cater to her every moment from the time they wake in the morning to the time they go to bed. To see the love they have for her, as well as the bitter sweetness they to feel.

While there is true healing being felt there begins a new chapter in this life long grief process. I feel some old wounds reopen and a new lesson of understanding and acceptance of a new normal begin. While being so in love and soaking in each new beautiful milestone of firsts moments triggers the war of two emotions that do not belong together. But some how they are being felt at the very same moment. Joy and Sorrow, as each milestone brings new joy, excitement, sorrow and longing of all things I never got to share in this life with Jocelyn. Tears of happiness flow at that first smile, first laugh, first giggle followed by tears of heartache that I never got to have with big sister. How is this possible? To feel these two emotions soooo strongly at the same time?  There is no explanation, other then they are the emotions that confirm the existence of my two girls. I have had to learn to ride them as they come.

Once we started settling into life and daily routines and feeling these conflicting emotions, came the crazy mom syndrome. We all have it to some degree. I remember them to a point with the boys, but this time it was much more intense. I worried about every little thing, still thinking that at any moment she would be taken from me. Sleeping was so not possible. I spent many nights up just watching her sleep. I spent days not moving off the couch holding her afraid if I moved I miss something. In those nights and days I found tears flowing at how wonderful that she was here and what it would have been like if Jocelyn were here as pesky toddler. I became weary of every little thing, questioned everything I had never questioned before. But overtime they subsided and I began to relax, but there are somethings I still tread more cautiously. These fears and extra concerns didn't affect just myself ,but everyone else as well. Such as about two months ago we had been to dinner at Red Robin and we were trying to finish up and leave. Jaylee got her hands on some paper that she put in her mouth and gagged slightly. Jacob felt I was not taking care of it fast enough so his response to me was "Mom!! hurry she will choke and we Do Not!! want to lose another sister!" Moments like that are when reality is felt and proves that the boys understand far more then one thinks.

Over the past 10 days since Jaylee has turned one. I have felt such peace and joy of what our reality is. The battle of the crazy mom and war of emotions doesn't seem to rage as often. But they are there. I felt them more strongly coming into Jaylee's 1st birthday. I know there will be more of these moments in the future such as school, learning to drive, dating, college and one day a wedding. We will cross those moments with love and excitement with a tender tug at the heart. I hope to share everything with Jaylee and teach her of her sister and how she waits for us and watches over us. Although I am sure Jaylee will teach us of her big sister with moments of quiet where I notice Jaylee laughing, giggling and carrying on with someone but no one is there. But is felt. I would not change the way things are.Ok, maybe every once in while, but I am learning that feeling joy and sorrow at the same time can be a gift of tender mercy to remind me not to take anything for granted.

Cloth Diapers Anyone!?-updated

Yes I did just say cloth diapers.....If you are like me the image of old baby pictures of safety pins, holding a piece of cloth on and under water proof plastic pants when words "Cloth Diapers"are heard. Followed by the thought of gross and thank goodness for modern times and disposables.

Well yes!! I agree thank goodness for modern times and the modern way to cloth diaper. You still can find the old fashion way of cloth diapering to extent, but wow have things changed. First off there is a whole other world that surrounds cloth diapers including its own language almost......

Wait!! lets back up a little bit, since you may be wondering why I am talking about cloth diapers. Back in April as it was getting time to buy Jaylee new diapers I had gone into Costco to check prices to be sure it was still a great deal for my buck. I have been buying Kirkland brand disposables from Costco since Jarren was born. Well while I was there I was a little bummed, OK a lot bummed on how much they have inflated in cost almost $11 a box since Jarren was diapered and $4 since Joseph. Knowing and thinking about some dear friends that are avid cloth diaper mamas. I started to research and crunch numbers of  it's value and would it be worth it. So at 7 months old we made the switch to cloth diapers.

......Now back to learning the world of cloth diapers. There are many many options to chose from that fit your life style, budget and baby needs. I will be honest I was a little overwhelmed at first which did not help my over active brain or some would say over analytical.

In the end it was much easier then I thought. As for the cost of diapers I have chosen not the cheapest but for sure not the most expensive (remember I was looking to save money) diaper. So yes there is an up front cost to have a good useful stash of diapers. We will break even about Nov/Dec and still stand to save over $1500 by the time Jaylee potty trains. The amount of diapers you have is all up to you and how often you want to wash them. I have tried a small handful of diapers and have come to love a brand called Bum Genius.

Remember when I said the cloth diaper world pretty much has it own language well that is because of the options out there and with the brand we have chosen it is called a one size (os) pocket diaper, because it is designed to grow in size with your baby from about 8 pounds to 35 pounds so from birth to potty training. Way cool right !!  Once you buy your diapers you will never ever have to buy more in a bigger size. Being a pocket means it stuffed with an insert that will hold all the babies wetness or other gifts a little can leave you.
I will not go into all the other diapering options or insert options. But if you want to know more I am always glad to share what I have learned. Now I am in NO Way an expert on this. In fact I am still learning new things all the time.

As for the need to wash them, it really is nothing since we have four children living in our home I am always doing laundry so what is one more load right. It really is easy I just wash about every 3 days. I really don't even notice it since our wash machine is going almost every day for what ever reason or need.

Awe, yes I know your thinking or asking the question "What about yucky poo diapers?" Well like I mentioned earlier that the clothing diaper world has made modern advances with things like a diaper sprayer. No swish and wash in the toilet or getting poo on your hands.

So as you can see our diaper sprayer is just attached to the toilet's water main and has proven to have other uses such as cleaning trash cans, cleaning the toilet from little boys and so on.....

After almost 4 months of cloth diapering I have to say it was much easier then I thought and I love it more then I ever expected too. I wish I had clothed diapered my boys and the best part is: If I take care of my diapers I can resell them for almost half of what I paid for them. I love how they look like a disposable and even go on like a disposable. Since the change over to cloth we have not had one blow out poo. The Cloth diapers have contained it all so no messy poo up baby's back or down her legs. It is by far easier to spray the poo out her diaper then to give her bath from poo going all over the place. Even John has grown accustom to them as well.  I also have come to love the way cute fluffy bum and prints and Jaylee spends many hours in just in a diaper. So yes it has proven to totally worth it!!!

There are many reasons why people choose to cloth diaper, from environment, the cute factor, natural reasons, and cost savings. For us it was solely a cost savings. but secretly I really love the cute factor.

 Above are a few of our diapers that we love. As you can see there few different styles from Velcro or snaps and even the snaps can differ from one brand to another.

  The inside looks no different then a disposable. And they are super soft!! They work like a disposable as well with the stay dry fleece sucks away wetness down into the absorbent insert keeping baby dry like a disposable does. Way Nice!!!

Jaylee in her 1st ever cloth diaper.

 I love a cute diaper bum!! She spends most her days like this.

One of my favorite prints!!! How could not love it!!

Tender Items And Moments

Just before Jaylee was born I had ordered this mothers necklace from another angel mom, who was raising money to help other bereaved families in honor of her angel's birthday. I know many have seen it on facebook, but I love this necklace and seeing all my children's names and birthstones.

About the time I got this in mail I started thinking of how small Jaylee is and yet she was little bigger then her sister so I thought for fun lets compare size in a side by side picture their feet. I pulled out one of Jocelyn's feet molds and held it up next to Jaylee's and whoa!! their fee are the same length!!! I love my girls

The Arrival Of A Rainbow

Jaylee Rose Files
Born: August 28, 2012
At: 1:07pm weighing in at 6 pounds 11 ounces
and 18.5 inches long

We arrived at the hospital about 9:30am got all checked in and settled. By 10:45am they had started the induction with an evil drug called petocin (sp) and broke my water. It didn't take long for things to get rolling as I knew they would. Everything went well and smooth and before we all knew she was here.

Wow!! is all I have to say!! I have never felt such relief with tears of Joy to here her 1st cry!! It was the best sound I had ever herd and to feel her warm little body in my arms. I was in awe and felt like we were dreaming and could all this be real is she really here and really ours. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head and mind that I really did not know where to start. Even John stood there in awe with tears streaming. 

As the day wore on and we got settled into a room where I would spend 48 hours is where the emotions of bitter sweet started to settle in. The pure love and joy of Jaylee filling my aching arms but not the hole where big sister Jocelyn was missing. It amazed how it was no different that any of my children how you love them all and really do have room in your heart for each one you give birth to. And that was when it hit me: We have 5, I mean 5 Children!!! Crazy to think I have given birth 5 times. But all 5 are worth it and I would not change it.

Truly the best sound my ears had ever herd. The sound we have been dreaming of for the past 38+ weeks. 

Just a handful of hours after she was born we started to play dress up. I love this outfit since it was so fitting that she is our Rainbow and will have daddy wrapped around his finger. 

My Grandmother kissing her 9th great grandchild. Love you!!!

All 5 of our children in one photo 

John sharing in a moment with his daughter. So sweet to see and watch him with her. 

A moment with Jaylee and I in the hospital about 24 hours after she was born. 

Getting ready to pack up and head home where it should all become real.

Jaylee all dressed and ready to head on out. The boys were so excited to get her home and they wasted no time on sharing her big sister with her and of course fighting over who gets to hold her next.

Once again John and I have full hearts of deep gratitude for everyone that has prayed and supported us through this journey. There will never be the right way to say Thank You. So Thank you for always being there and may the Lord bless you and your families in return. We feel your love and support in our home and the blessing that come. Rainbows do happen and I pray that we all get a rainbow at the end of what ever storm we or you face in this life.