A Rainbow In My Arms, An Angel In My Heart

One might think or hope that having baby after a loss would fully heal the heart......

I am afraid to say the answer to this is complicated. Bittersweet does not even begin to explain the war of emotions. I know and knew another child could never replace Jocelyn nor would I want to. But to know this and to actually feel it are two very very different things. I am not sure I can even explain it, but I am going to attempt it.

Strange to think that 10 days ago Jaylee turned one. The day she was born was a dream one of the most surreal moments. My feelings of what if my body only carried boys with successful outcome were laid to rest. My aching arms for my baby gone to soon were filled again in love and joy making every stressful moment of being pregnant again worth it. I was amazed at every little thing each note in her first cry, her expression as she looked at me for the first time. The instant bond between father and daughter. I know I cherished theses moments with my boys but to really see them and feel them after you have felt your world shatter from the passing of your baby truly changes the view. I was fearful of missing out of any moment or detail in fear that it would end or disappear any moment. At times I felt I needed to soak in double the amount to try to make up for what I missed with Jocelyn.

A view from a year ago....

This was my view to help me stay focused on the task at hand

A brief moment with out pain or contractions

The joys of natural labor with my best friend, father of my children and the love of my life by my side.

Truly a moment I will never forget of filling my arms with such sounds and views

Introducing daddy to his rainbow princess

No words for how I feel looking at this picture.

Jaylee truly has brought a beautiful rainbow into our home. Her brothers cater to her every moment from the time they wake in the morning to the time they go to bed. To see the love they have for her, as well as the bitter sweetness they to feel.

While there is true healing being felt there begins a new chapter in this life long grief process. I feel some old wounds reopen and a new lesson of understanding and acceptance of a new normal begin. While being so in love and soaking in each new beautiful milestone of firsts moments triggers the war of two emotions that do not belong together. But some how they are being felt at the very same moment. Joy and Sorrow, as each milestone brings new joy, excitement, sorrow and longing of all things I never got to share in this life with Jocelyn. Tears of happiness flow at that first smile, first laugh, first giggle followed by tears of heartache that I never got to have with big sister. How is this possible? To feel these two emotions soooo strongly at the same time?  There is no explanation, other then they are the emotions that confirm the existence of my two girls. I have had to learn to ride them as they come.

Once we started settling into life and daily routines and feeling these conflicting emotions, came the crazy mom syndrome. We all have it to some degree. I remember them to a point with the boys, but this time it was much more intense. I worried about every little thing, still thinking that at any moment she would be taken from me. Sleeping was so not possible. I spent many nights up just watching her sleep. I spent days not moving off the couch holding her afraid if I moved I miss something. In those nights and days I found tears flowing at how wonderful that she was here and what it would have been like if Jocelyn were here as pesky toddler. I became weary of every little thing, questioned everything I had never questioned before. But overtime they subsided and I began to relax, but there are somethings I still tread more cautiously. These fears and extra concerns didn't affect just myself ,but everyone else as well. Such as about two months ago we had been to dinner at Red Robin and we were trying to finish up and leave. Jaylee got her hands on some paper that she put in her mouth and gagged slightly. Jacob felt I was not taking care of it fast enough so his response to me was "Mom!! hurry she will choke and we Do Not!! want to lose another sister!" Moments like that are when reality is felt and proves that the boys understand far more then one thinks.

Over the past 10 days since Jaylee has turned one. I have felt such peace and joy of what our reality is. The battle of the crazy mom and war of emotions doesn't seem to rage as often. But they are there. I felt them more strongly coming into Jaylee's 1st birthday. I know there will be more of these moments in the future such as school, learning to drive, dating, college and one day a wedding. We will cross those moments with love and excitement with a tender tug at the heart. I hope to share everything with Jaylee and teach her of her sister and how she waits for us and watches over us. Although I am sure Jaylee will teach us of her big sister with moments of quiet where I notice Jaylee laughing, giggling and carrying on with someone but no one is there. But is felt. I would not change the way things are.Ok, maybe every once in while, but I am learning that feeling joy and sorrow at the same time can be a gift of tender mercy to remind me not to take anything for granted.