A Little Of This and Little of That, Mostly That

*** This post has been added to and deleted so many times that I no longer know what to title this post. I had planned to post this back in January but when I went to hit the publish button I just could not do it. Parts of this post contain some of my more deepest thoughts and are more candid then others. Although I claim to be an open person for the most part not sure I was or am ready to be this open. Then I came to realize not everyone will read what I have to say which is completely fine with me. This is who I am and I am learning to like the new me and the new me is going through many changes. And so is everyone else in our home.*****

January 16th-Jocelyn's 1st Birthday
Wow, I could not believe this day had actually come. I had imagined this day off and on through the year and now it had finally come. Her day was a pleasant day I had thought I would have felt more but I mostly felt nothing. Now the days leading up to her 1st birthday I felt everything!! I now understand when military people talk about having post traumatic stress of physically reliving their time in battle fields. Those few weeks leading up to her birthday was as though someone took and tied me down and forced me to relive the weeks of the prior year. When I say relive I mean relive every feeling, touch, thought, and smell. I was so happy that our little girl would be joining our family. Her room was ready, all I needed to do was hang the window valance and add the final touches to her walls. I had just finished unpacking all the things I got from my baby shower and putting them away with her other things in the closet and drawers. Then came my final doc apt on Jan 11 where I herd her heart beat for the last time. It was strong and she was on the move that day, although she still very much loved her breach position. My doc's final words to me that day were "You are scheduled for delivery on Tues 19th since Monday was booked". I was so excited and posted it all on facebook and here on my blog the time had finally come. The rest of the week went smoothly and Jocelyn loved keeping me up at night when she was most active. Then it all changed on the evening Jan 15th.......To read her delivery click Here

Those weeks leading up to her birthday were some of the most darkest days of the whole year. I cried more then I ever had and felt so lost during that time. I was not going to be video taping first cake, presents, and happy memories. I still wanted to plan a nice birthday to remember our daughter's sweet short beautiful life. Because although I feel broken without her being here in this life with our family I am still very pleased with her and do have many happy memories of her life. So we put it out there that we were donating to NILMDTS the organization that gave a priceless gift of the only portraits of our daughter. We are so honored and grateful to our friends and family that also donated to this fabulous organization. Thank You.

Her 1st Birthday was on a Sunday and I did make it half way through church before cutting out. Later that day we met a few close friends and family at the cemetery where we decorated her head stone and did a balloon release of one signifying her 1st birthday in heaven. It was nice and peaceful. After everyone came back to our home for some red velvet cake, the same kind as the one that was brought to me in the hospital when she was born. I am not sure how the rest of the day went I kinda checked out and relaxed with my family. I am glad that we did something special for her day. It really meant a lot to us that family and friends would come and support us on her day. Thank You !!!

Jocelyn's balloon we released

The boys helping me put all her special gifts on her head stone

Her perfect balloons

My family: Natalie, Sean, Sophia, Joseph, Jarren John, Jacob, Me, my Mom and Dad

The six of us

All her little gifts that decorated her special day

My friends I love more then they will ever know: Jori, Amy, Me, Steph, and Jen

Jocelyn's cake I made her, which Jori had to come and help since I kept messing it up when taking it out of the pan.

My boys helping me with her balloon release.

The days following her birthday were just there. It was as though I faded into space of no emotion. I was not sure what to feel or how. It was relief that it was over, but yet I did not feel the sense of feeling completely better that I thought I would. In some ways I felt better, but in others I felt worse. I started looking back over the year realizing that I could not remember most of it and the things I did remember seemed as though I dreamed them. I was really struggling with a few things from the day she was born and really wanting to remember every sweet moment we had with her.

It was not until a month or so later that what I was missing came to existence. I got a call from my sweet friend Jen and Jocelyn's photographer. Her little girl was in the hospital by us with RSV. Jen needed me to take her home to get a few things and then bring her back to the hospital. While at her home she asked me if I still wanted to see the raw unedited pictures of Jocelyn. I told her that did. This was something I knew I wanted to see but  needed to wait for the 1st year. I needed to see for myself the way she looked the day she was placed in my arms. As I sat there looking through all the photos I was amazed how they were not that different from the edited ones I had received. There were a few that I have not seen and started to mark them so that I could get those copies as well. Then came the photo of the one thing that had weighed so heavy on my heart. For the past year I have gone back to think of her birth and the short time she was in my arms. I can remember holding her, the people that came and went but I could not remember if I kissed her or not. I have gotten so angry about this because I knew that I had to of  kissed her " I am her mother why would I not kiss my child?" I found myself doubting this leaving me feeling like I failed as a mother and incomplete. I really felt this a lot at night after tucking my boys in bed and giving them kisses. I would leave the room thinking I have not kissed all four of my children and I how could I not have kissed my only daughter.....

But there it was the proof showing that I did kiss my sweet princess in those wonderful 24 hours that I got to hold her and love her. At that moment it was as though a very very large weight was lifted from my shoulders and the sense of feeling came back to me. At that moment I felt like a completed mother and that I have given all four of my children the love and kisses that they needed from their mother. I love this picture with all my heart and have guarded it closely unsure if I would share it. But here I am sharing a very special and sacred moment with you. I love how it has captured all my emotions of what was happening at that moment.

Mommy and Me

One my favorites edited pictures of Jocelyn and I

 Jen thought I had the picture all along, I was in tears and so grateful that she had taken a picture of this moment. I told her I am glad I got to see it when I did. It was given to me when I needed it most and I believe there was a reason it was kept from me until then. Thank You so much Jen from the depths of my heart.

I do have other things that I had in this post but will move them to a part two since this posting is already soooo long.....

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Jocelyn's Tree

Here are the pictures of Jocelyn's tree that My friend Amy worked so hard on. It turned out beautiful. Our tree sold to a anonymous buyer and are grateful that it is bringing peace to others this Christmas Season. I feel blessed to have been able to help raise money for Primary Children's Hospital and to help them continue the great and wonderful things that they do for families. Thank you to everyone that was able to help put this tree together.

We did have a couple local papers call and feature our tree and Jocelyn's story. I posted the Salt Lake Tribune on Thanksgiving Day. Here is the South Valley Journals article. I am so grateful to be able to share Jocelyn's short life with others and to share with others who have to face this path that they are not alone. Click HERE to read.

Jen my sweet friend and Jocelyn's photographer

Jocelyn hidden J for the tree

My friend Amy who came to me about doing a tree for Jocelyn

Left to right: Jen, Me, Joseph, Stephanie, and Amy

Left to Right: Joseph, Me Stephanie, Amy and Jori

Joseph enjoying a sweet roll

My and Dad I

John came down on his lunch hour to help a little

I saw this picture a few months after Jocelyn was born and has been how imagine Jocelyn as a toddler in heaven.

Our completed Butterfly Angel Tree

The Past 6 Months

It was six months ago that I gave birth to our daughter Jocelyn Cristeen Files and were able to spend a wonderful 24 hours with her. We loved and welcomed her to our family and in the same breath said a temporary good bye.

It is so strange to think that it has been 6 months when it feels just like yesterday. Instead looking at how big she would have been and all the things that she would have been doing, we are looking at how much our lives have changed in the way we view life and our tender moments with our boys. We miss her deeply and a day does not go by that we are not thinking of her. Although the pain of her not being with us is at times unbearable, we are still blessed to know that she is our little angel watching over us and is patiently waiting the day we can all be together. The boys often talk about her and ask questions as to why she is not with us. We know that the answers to that question will reveal themselves to us over the rest of our life and we look forward all that learning.

Our Days

Each day is a surprise never knowing if it will be a good day with meltdowns or if it will be a bad day with a few meltdowns. We also have had some very bad days as well, but there have been some really good days of peace and comfort. I pray and look forward to more of those days. I have often thought that with time it will get easier, but I must be honest that the last few months have been much harder then they were in the beginning. We have learned that this is common because we have spent more time in shock then we realized and now life is moving forward with reality setting in. So I guess it has to get a little tougher before it gets better. It is tiring sometimes to pretend that everything is well all the time. But we know that as long as we keep our faith in the Lord he will comfort us when we need it most. When I am having a bad moment I have found great comfort in this scripture John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" and in the Doctrine in Convents D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days". We have a very long list of scriptures that we turn to in our moments of deep sadness and grief. We are not strong, but are learning to be strong, which will only come from our growing faith in the Lord.

The Honest Truth

Although we are doing our very very best to hold on to our faith in the Lord there are moments where I wonder how much I can take. Life is precious and must not be taken for granted. When I see other women who are expecting I only think one thing and that is "please Lord let that little one make it into this world safely" Our sweet innocence's is gone of getting pregnant and having a baby at the end. It is hard going places and seeing babies every where as reminders that I do not have mine with me physically. I think the worst is looking at my post pregnancy body and feeling like a failure that I could not get her here. I know that all these thoughts will pass over time, because I know that I am not a failure. I just carried a perfect little spirit that only needed a body and to return home to our Heavenly Father. That is in it's self is a great honor.

Over Looked

When someone loses a child or infant it is the father that sometimes gets over looked. Everyone is quick to ask how the mother is doing and rarely stops to ask how the father is. John as been very strong in the support he gives me, and I in turn must do the same for him. He hurts just as much as I do. The Following poem found in the book Gone Too Soon. It was written by a mother who watched the pain her son in law facing the loss of a little girl as well.

It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief,
since "men don't cry" and men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
and field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
and what she's going through,
but seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
and try to be so very brave
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister


Answers if that is what you call them

We still do not know what happened or why she passed. We only have speculation and theories. My OB doctor sent me to have a consultation with with an internal fetal medicine doctor. Since we did have an ultra sound at 36 weeks where Jocelyn was showing perfect health and growth and on target for her due date. We know that something happened in that last four weeks of pregnancy. The internal fetal medicine doctor believes some form of placental failure took place. the test on the placenta came back clear of any infection or disease. This is when I have to rely on my beliefs and testimony that the Lord had a much bigger plan and needed her for that.


What I have learned about stillbirth

I have spent many hours researching the science behind all this. No it has not brought comfort to me but I feel better informed for the future. I learned that a stillbirth is 10 times more likely then SIDS. And in a stillbirth study done 2006 to 2008 which included 154 stillbirths Salt Lake County said "the most common cause was placental problems such as blood clots. Others include bacterial and viral infections that caused the uterus to expel the fetus:maternal medical conditions like diabetes, kidney disease and hypertension: and genetic abnormalities. While 10% of stillbirths are from cord accidents." found in an article from the Salt Lake Tribune. The article then stated that most stillbirths can be prevented with close prenatal care. I also have found lots of information on the March of Dimes website as well.

Family and Friends

I am still in awe from all the overwhelming love and support that our family has received through this heart breaking experience. I have so much gratitude for our family, close friends near and far, neighbors and church members. I am forever Thankful!!! I feel at times I will never be able to repay all the wonderful things that have been given or done for us. I pray that the lord blesses you. For you have shown what it means to bear one anthers burdens and to serve selflessly. Thank You for being there. We Love each and everyone of you!

Jocelyn's Services

Close to a week after Jocelyn's birth and passing John and I went to the funeral home where we dressed our daughter and held her one last time and sang her the same lullaby that we sing to our boys at night before bed. Then we slowly put her in her princess bed. We had a private family viewing with a few close friends. What special feeling we had in that room.

I was great full to Jennifer with NILMDTS to come and take more pictures for us. She is so amazing and was able to take some beautiful shots of the boys and our family. I have posted a couple of those in Jocelyn's photo gallery located in the right hand side bar.

The following morning we had a simple graveside service with the only sunshine in the valley. I know that Jocelyn was with us and made that sunshine come through on her special day. Our Bishop shared some special words followed by John giving the dedication and blessing prayer for Jocelyn's grave. I do not remember the words that were said, only that it was very spiritual and sacred.

We then had a luncheon with family and few close friends. That was enjoyable to be around so many loved ones.

Few Months Later

Around the end of February beginning March Jocelyn's headstone was laid. We have put a small hook with a butterfly and purple tear drop butterfly hanging from it.


The mountain view from her headstone.

Our 1st holidays without Jocelyn

The holidays have been hard since we had been excited to grow our family and to share these moments together. We have kept her in our hearts during the holidays and included her memory with us at these special moments.
Easter Sunday...The Easter Bunny left a purple bunny for Jocelyn which we took and put on her grave. John with the boys.
Me with Jarren and Joseph. Jacob wanted to get back in the car. It was on the chilly side.
Me and the Boys on Mother's Day. This was not an easy day since this was also the day we learned we were expecting her a year earlier.
The grass had turned green just in time for Mother's Day. It was so pretty.
The view on Mother's day after the grass had turned green. I love this view.
Her 1st memorial day. The boys were so excited to put flowers on her headstone. The whole cemetery just looked beautiful.

The flowers and angel we left for her on her grave for memorial day.

Looking To The Future

So here we are half year later and our lives are forever changed as we still adjust to a new normal of life. While we are still hurting and grieving, we are slowly healing and look forward to the days of pure joy. President Thomas S Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Said that the Journey would not be easy but to find the Joy in the Journey. Through my pain and heartache I do fine peace and joy that I have a special angel waiting and watching over us.I am part a sacred club that we never wanted to be part of but here we are. Jocelyn has given us so much and I am so proud of her and honored to be her mother. The loss of a child is one that I do not wish on upon anyone.

John and I will continue to take one day at a time and to find Joy in our boys so that they can gain a testimony of Christ and understand his plan for us. We know that we have a long journey still ahead and that we will be blessed along the way.

"I will turn their Mourning into joy and will comfort them,
and make them rejoice their sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

The following is a song that has brought comfort to me and says exactly how I feel. It is put with some personal and special pictures. This video is a piece of John and I's heart to be shared those we love. The sound is not as crisp as I would like it but I did not know how to change the file size for uploading.

"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson

1st Birthday in Heaven click HERE

Baby Update!!!

This pregnancy sure has been different then the boys, but then we are having a girl. She has been stubborn over the past several weeks, by not turning and remaining in a breech position. So with that being said we can not allow myself to go into labor on my own. Jocelyn is set to be delivered on January 19,2010.

We will check into the hospital in the early morning where we will attempt to see if a epidural or spinal will work for me this time. We have not had success in the past because of the metal rods I have in back for scoliosis. If the epidural or spinal work they will attempt to turn her so I can deliver naturally and if not then we will go right into a c-section. Either way I pray that the epidural works, because I do not want to be put under and not be able to hear her 1st cry.

In the mean time stay tuned and I will keep everyone updated as to her arrival. Here are some ultra sound photo's of her. ( to view them better just click on the photo for a closer view)