A Little Of This and Little of That, Mostly That

*** This post has been added to and deleted so many times that I no longer know what to title this post. I had planned to post this back in January but when I went to hit the publish button I just could not do it. Parts of this post contain some of my more deepest thoughts and are more candid then others. Although I claim to be an open person for the most part not sure I was or am ready to be this open. Then I came to realize not everyone will read what I have to say which is completely fine with me. This is who I am and I am learning to like the new me and the new me is going through many changes. And so is everyone else in our home.*****

January 16th-Jocelyn's 1st Birthday
Wow, I could not believe this day had actually come. I had imagined this day off and on through the year and now it had finally come. Her day was a pleasant day I had thought I would have felt more but I mostly felt nothing. Now the days leading up to her 1st birthday I felt everything!! I now understand when military people talk about having post traumatic stress of physically reliving their time in battle fields. Those few weeks leading up to her birthday was as though someone took and tied me down and forced me to relive the weeks of the prior year. When I say relive I mean relive every feeling, touch, thought, and smell. I was so happy that our little girl would be joining our family. Her room was ready, all I needed to do was hang the window valance and add the final touches to her walls. I had just finished unpacking all the things I got from my baby shower and putting them away with her other things in the closet and drawers. Then came my final doc apt on Jan 11 where I herd her heart beat for the last time. It was strong and she was on the move that day, although she still very much loved her breach position. My doc's final words to me that day were "You are scheduled for delivery on Tues 19th since Monday was booked". I was so excited and posted it all on facebook and here on my blog the time had finally come. The rest of the week went smoothly and Jocelyn loved keeping me up at night when she was most active. Then it all changed on the evening Jan 15th.......To read her delivery click Here

Those weeks leading up to her birthday were some of the most darkest days of the whole year. I cried more then I ever had and felt so lost during that time. I was not going to be video taping first cake, presents, and happy memories. I still wanted to plan a nice birthday to remember our daughter's sweet short beautiful life. Because although I feel broken without her being here in this life with our family I am still very pleased with her and do have many happy memories of her life. So we put it out there that we were donating to NILMDTS the organization that gave a priceless gift of the only portraits of our daughter. We are so honored and grateful to our friends and family that also donated to this fabulous organization. Thank You.

Her 1st Birthday was on a Sunday and I did make it half way through church before cutting out. Later that day we met a few close friends and family at the cemetery where we decorated her head stone and did a balloon release of one signifying her 1st birthday in heaven. It was nice and peaceful. After everyone came back to our home for some red velvet cake, the same kind as the one that was brought to me in the hospital when she was born. I am not sure how the rest of the day went I kinda checked out and relaxed with my family. I am glad that we did something special for her day. It really meant a lot to us that family and friends would come and support us on her day. Thank You !!!

Jocelyn's balloon we released

The boys helping me put all her special gifts on her head stone

Her perfect balloons

My family: Natalie, Sean, Sophia, Joseph, Jarren John, Jacob, Me, my Mom and Dad

The six of us

All her little gifts that decorated her special day

My friends I love more then they will ever know: Jori, Amy, Me, Steph, and Jen

Jocelyn's cake I made her, which Jori had to come and help since I kept messing it up when taking it out of the pan.

My boys helping me with her balloon release.

The days following her birthday were just there. It was as though I faded into space of no emotion. I was not sure what to feel or how. It was relief that it was over, but yet I did not feel the sense of feeling completely better that I thought I would. In some ways I felt better, but in others I felt worse. I started looking back over the year realizing that I could not remember most of it and the things I did remember seemed as though I dreamed them. I was really struggling with a few things from the day she was born and really wanting to remember every sweet moment we had with her.

It was not until a month or so later that what I was missing came to existence. I got a call from my sweet friend Jen and Jocelyn's photographer. Her little girl was in the hospital by us with RSV. Jen needed me to take her home to get a few things and then bring her back to the hospital. While at her home she asked me if I still wanted to see the raw unedited pictures of Jocelyn. I told her that did. This was something I knew I wanted to see but  needed to wait for the 1st year. I needed to see for myself the way she looked the day she was placed in my arms. As I sat there looking through all the photos I was amazed how they were not that different from the edited ones I had received. There were a few that I have not seen and started to mark them so that I could get those copies as well. Then came the photo of the one thing that had weighed so heavy on my heart. For the past year I have gone back to think of her birth and the short time she was in my arms. I can remember holding her, the people that came and went but I could not remember if I kissed her or not. I have gotten so angry about this because I knew that I had to of  kissed her " I am her mother why would I not kiss my child?" I found myself doubting this leaving me feeling like I failed as a mother and incomplete. I really felt this a lot at night after tucking my boys in bed and giving them kisses. I would leave the room thinking I have not kissed all four of my children and I how could I not have kissed my only daughter.....

But there it was the proof showing that I did kiss my sweet princess in those wonderful 24 hours that I got to hold her and love her. At that moment it was as though a very very large weight was lifted from my shoulders and the sense of feeling came back to me. At that moment I felt like a completed mother and that I have given all four of my children the love and kisses that they needed from their mother. I love this picture with all my heart and have guarded it closely unsure if I would share it. But here I am sharing a very special and sacred moment with you. I love how it has captured all my emotions of what was happening at that moment.

Mommy and Me

One my favorites edited pictures of Jocelyn and I

 Jen thought I had the picture all along, I was in tears and so grateful that she had taken a picture of this moment. I told her I am glad I got to see it when I did. It was given to me when I needed it most and I believe there was a reason it was kept from me until then. Thank You so much Jen from the depths of my heart.

I do have other things that I had in this post but will move them to a part two since this posting is already soooo long.....

TO BE CONTINUED.......