Pregancy After Jocelyn....

As you all know we are referring to this baby our fifth child as our Rainbow and some of you may be asking what that means. I love the following quote I saw the other day on a friends facebook page and felt it explained it perfectly..

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

~Courtney

Being pregnant again since Jocelyn's birth and passing is nothing like I thought it would be. I knew that it would be different and that I would feel some anxiety and hope all at the same time. But Also thought that some emotions, feelings and thoughts I have had before becoming pregnant would have changed by allowing my old thoughts and feelings to return. Oh I was so wrong.....To fully explain it would take up a whole other post. So in short: Part of my grieving process has gone through many stages, but there was one that I spent a lot of time in. That was the anger stage not because Jocelyn is not here physically (although I did pass through that one as well) It was at how much my life has changed and that I have forever changed and there was and there is no going back to the old me. I was so angry and not willing to accept it. It has only been in the last few months since Jocelyn's 2nd birthday that I have started to except that. Excepting that I really do have a new normal and thought process also means excepting that some people in my life can not except the new me. They still want the old me to return. But that just is not so. I recently read an article that was posted on facebook by another angel mommy that really sums it all up. But it was this part I think says it best.

"It says when you lose a child you DON'T get over it, getting over it is an inappropriate goal, an unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you, it changes the way the birds sing, it changes the way the sun rises and sets. You ARE forever different" 
to read the full write up click here It really is worth the read and other great things that can help one who has lost or a friend that has lost a child.....

Going back to what I thought would change: I thought once I got pregnant again that maybe my feelings for other pregnant women who have not gone through losing their baby would change and my feelings about baby showers also would have changed. But once again I was wrong and surprised that I still felt jealous of other pregnant women. Not because there were pregnant, but because they could still live in the world or bubble that I once did where you got pregnant and 9 months later you had baby in your arms or once you were past the 12th week things were smooth sailing until baby arrived. Only your typical worries of will baby be healthy have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Not my baby could die the day before due date or during labor or even after birth. I felt jealous that they could be truly giddy without minimal worries. That is gone for me I wish I could honestly feel that way again. I also thought I would be ok with baby showers again and I still can not go to them. It is still a painful reminder that I had one for Jocelyn a week before her due date, and a week later when I should have been bringing her home. But did not leaving me with all the great gifts that she would have used. Maybe one day those feelings will change, but for now they are what they are and I have come to except them. I worry for my fellow pregnant sisters and pray that they never have to feel the pain and loss that my family and I have.

Being pregnant again has also brought joy and hope that we will get to add to our family and heal our hearts some with a new baby. It really is bittersweet. I love being pregnant and feeling this new life growing and with more movements frequently is joyous, but still leaving John and I cautiously excited. We do not plan to buy anything until after baby is here, because it is something I just can not bring myself to do since I spent so much time getting things ready for Jocelyn and ended up with a heart in a million pieces. Everyday is different. I spend a lot of time and energy working on self talk to stay positive and many moments in prayer to help feel the lords comfort and that it is all in his hands. We are doing everything possible that this new little one gets here but in the end it will the the Lords will. We do not know what the Lord has planned for this little spirit, but I know we are blessed to be it parents to love and care for it.

The boys are also excited, but have reservations as well. They frequently ask if baby is ok, will baby get to live with us or will baby go live with Jocelyn in heaven. At times they bring tears to my eyes, not because of what they say but because they are so young and truly understand that there are no guarantees in this life and that death is real. This understanding also has made them very compassionate and caring for others feelings. Their little testimonies and faith in the Lord always a reminder to me that God really is in all things if we but have faith in him.

Over all we glad to be adding to our family and look forward to meeting this new little one!! We know that big sister is right there helping us and guiding us on this new chapter or our new normal.