Basketball Season 2010-2011

This past year Jarren and Jacob played Jr. Jazz. Jarren moved up to a competitive level and Jacob got to play for the 1st time. It was great season and the boys loved it!!! It was little crazy with two playing at the same time and at different locations.

Jacob is in the blue #13 Jersey

Jarren is the one in the front wearing the white Jersey

Jarren is #40

Jacob throwing the ball back into the game.

I wish I had gotten better video to share with you but I think my camera is starting the see it's last days. Hopefully I can get new one sometime this year. All in all the boys really enjoyed playing. They also got to go to a Jazz Game with their team mates. That was loads of fun to watch them cheer and get into following the game.

A Little Of This and Little of That, Mostly That

*** This post has been added to and deleted so many times that I no longer know what to title this post. I had planned to post this back in January but when I went to hit the publish button I just could not do it. Parts of this post contain some of my more deepest thoughts and are more candid then others. Although I claim to be an open person for the most part not sure I was or am ready to be this open. Then I came to realize not everyone will read what I have to say which is completely fine with me. This is who I am and I am learning to like the new me and the new me is going through many changes. And so is everyone else in our home.*****

January 16th-Jocelyn's 1st Birthday
Wow, I could not believe this day had actually come. I had imagined this day off and on through the year and now it had finally come. Her day was a pleasant day I had thought I would have felt more but I mostly felt nothing. Now the days leading up to her 1st birthday I felt everything!! I now understand when military people talk about having post traumatic stress of physically reliving their time in battle fields. Those few weeks leading up to her birthday was as though someone took and tied me down and forced me to relive the weeks of the prior year. When I say relive I mean relive every feeling, touch, thought, and smell. I was so happy that our little girl would be joining our family. Her room was ready, all I needed to do was hang the window valance and add the final touches to her walls. I had just finished unpacking all the things I got from my baby shower and putting them away with her other things in the closet and drawers. Then came my final doc apt on Jan 11 where I herd her heart beat for the last time. It was strong and she was on the move that day, although she still very much loved her breach position. My doc's final words to me that day were "You are scheduled for delivery on Tues 19th since Monday was booked". I was so excited and posted it all on facebook and here on my blog the time had finally come. The rest of the week went smoothly and Jocelyn loved keeping me up at night when she was most active. Then it all changed on the evening Jan 15th.......To read her delivery click Here

Those weeks leading up to her birthday were some of the most darkest days of the whole year. I cried more then I ever had and felt so lost during that time. I was not going to be video taping first cake, presents, and happy memories. I still wanted to plan a nice birthday to remember our daughter's sweet short beautiful life. Because although I feel broken without her being here in this life with our family I am still very pleased with her and do have many happy memories of her life. So we put it out there that we were donating to NILMDTS the organization that gave a priceless gift of the only portraits of our daughter. We are so honored and grateful to our friends and family that also donated to this fabulous organization. Thank You.

Her 1st Birthday was on a Sunday and I did make it half way through church before cutting out. Later that day we met a few close friends and family at the cemetery where we decorated her head stone and did a balloon release of one signifying her 1st birthday in heaven. It was nice and peaceful. After everyone came back to our home for some red velvet cake, the same kind as the one that was brought to me in the hospital when she was born. I am not sure how the rest of the day went I kinda checked out and relaxed with my family. I am glad that we did something special for her day. It really meant a lot to us that family and friends would come and support us on her day. Thank You !!!

Jocelyn's balloon we released

The boys helping me put all her special gifts on her head stone

Her perfect balloons

My family: Natalie, Sean, Sophia, Joseph, Jarren John, Jacob, Me, my Mom and Dad

The six of us

All her little gifts that decorated her special day

My friends I love more then they will ever know: Jori, Amy, Me, Steph, and Jen

Jocelyn's cake I made her, which Jori had to come and help since I kept messing it up when taking it out of the pan.

My boys helping me with her balloon release.

The days following her birthday were just there. It was as though I faded into space of no emotion. I was not sure what to feel or how. It was relief that it was over, but yet I did not feel the sense of feeling completely better that I thought I would. In some ways I felt better, but in others I felt worse. I started looking back over the year realizing that I could not remember most of it and the things I did remember seemed as though I dreamed them. I was really struggling with a few things from the day she was born and really wanting to remember every sweet moment we had with her.

It was not until a month or so later that what I was missing came to existence. I got a call from my sweet friend Jen and Jocelyn's photographer. Her little girl was in the hospital by us with RSV. Jen needed me to take her home to get a few things and then bring her back to the hospital. While at her home she asked me if I still wanted to see the raw unedited pictures of Jocelyn. I told her that did. This was something I knew I wanted to see but  needed to wait for the 1st year. I needed to see for myself the way she looked the day she was placed in my arms. As I sat there looking through all the photos I was amazed how they were not that different from the edited ones I had received. There were a few that I have not seen and started to mark them so that I could get those copies as well. Then came the photo of the one thing that had weighed so heavy on my heart. For the past year I have gone back to think of her birth and the short time she was in my arms. I can remember holding her, the people that came and went but I could not remember if I kissed her or not. I have gotten so angry about this because I knew that I had to of  kissed her " I am her mother why would I not kiss my child?" I found myself doubting this leaving me feeling like I failed as a mother and incomplete. I really felt this a lot at night after tucking my boys in bed and giving them kisses. I would leave the room thinking I have not kissed all four of my children and I how could I not have kissed my only daughter.....

But there it was the proof showing that I did kiss my sweet princess in those wonderful 24 hours that I got to hold her and love her. At that moment it was as though a very very large weight was lifted from my shoulders and the sense of feeling came back to me. At that moment I felt like a completed mother and that I have given all four of my children the love and kisses that they needed from their mother. I love this picture with all my heart and have guarded it closely unsure if I would share it. But here I am sharing a very special and sacred moment with you. I love how it has captured all my emotions of what was happening at that moment.

Mommy and Me

One my favorites edited pictures of Jocelyn and I

 Jen thought I had the picture all along, I was in tears and so grateful that she had taken a picture of this moment. I told her I am glad I got to see it when I did. It was given to me when I needed it most and I believe there was a reason it was kept from me until then. Thank You so much Jen from the depths of my heart.

I do have other things that I had in this post but will move them to a part two since this posting is already soooo long.....

TO BE CONTINUED.......

While Adjusting To Our New Normal Of Life Comes Changes

It has been a long while since I have put an update on our blog. I do have several updates that have been ready to post and all that was needed was for me to hit the publish button. I have held back because of fear and not sure if I was or am ready to be as open as I was in a post. But that has changed I am now editing that post and will be sharing soon followed by all the updates of the last 6 months.

That being said and with so many things that have changed in our life over the past year and half I decided to change the title of our blog from Keepin'up with the Files Family to reflect the way our daily lives are now. The blog address will remain the same just a new title.

So stay tuned for updates coming very soon. Lots of love to all our wonderful family and friends

Heidi

A Birthday Wish

We are fast approaching our sweet Angel's 1st birthday in heaven....
We have been asked over the past year what has seemed to help the most. I would say love and support are the biggest, but as for tangible items I would say the sweet pictures taken by Jen Holt with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) and the hand/feet molds done by the hospital. I wish I could say that this will not happen to anyone else out there, but sadly it will. I am so grateful to have the small things we have to remember our daughter by and knowing that such a great origination like NILMDTS is there to help grieving families have something to cherish of their sweet little angel.

To help us celebrate Jocelyn's memory and honor her for her first birthday we ask that you join us in making a donation to NILMDTS. To help them continue this great service they provide to grieving families like ours. You may donate directly to them by clicking HERE. If you need our address for the In Memory card please e-mail me at Hfiles28@comcast.net To learn more about NILMDTS click HERE. 

Our pictures have brought comfort to our family by allowing our boys  to know that their sister existed  and lived. They serve as reminder of all the life we still have and the joy we will receive when we meet again in heaven. She is our goal poster you might say. I am so glad we have these photos to remember her as she is forever in our hearts. Thank You

There is no foot to small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

 

Look Who Has Glasses!!!

About two weeks ago I get letter in the mail from the school telling me that Jarren failed his vision test. Jarren has been complaining for the last month that he is having trouble seeing the bored at school. So last week went to see the eye doc and confirmed that Jarren needed glasses. We are not surprised that one of our children would need glasses since John and I both wore glasses from the time we were little till the time we had Lasiks. Jarren picked out some very nice frames and is starting to warm up to the idea of wearing them. He was surprised at how much can now see with them on.

He looks pretty good in them.

Our Christmas Adventure.....

This year we took the kids to Temple Square to see all the lights on Christmas Eve and got to ride the tracks downtown. The boys were very excited about the train, but did not like the cold once we got there. After 2 mins they were all screaming to go home and get hot chocolate. Once back on the train I was chased down by some crazy woman, not really my friend Jen Holt happen to be on the tracks at the same time and came running down to say hi to the family and give hugs. I am so grateful to her!! She is the tender mercy that was left in my life after Jocelyn was born when she came to take Jocelyn's photos for us. Thank You my sweet angel and Thank you Jen.

Home at last with the kids in bed. On with the marathon of wrapping Santa gifts!!! (hope the boys don't read this). Once they were all wrapped and placed under the tree it was finally time to crawl into bed and sleep for oh, a few hours since I knew it would not be long before the boys were up and ready to go....

The Boys got all new Pj's filled socks. Yes we filled one for Jocelyn.

The Tree looking nice and full with Santa's arrival!!

John and I's sock with a candy canes and butterfly book.

7:30am!!!! Two out of three boys up and ready to go!!! Joseph was out cold and still having issues on wanting to wake up. But big brothers made sure that he was up in no time.....

The boys waiting to open their gifts to each other. left to right: Joseph, Jacob, Jarren

Left to right: Jacob, Jarren, Joseph all dressed in their new Pj's holding their new Lego carrying boxes.

The boys opening presents. Look more Lego items!!!

Jacob, Jarren, Joseph so happy to have more Lego's from Santa!!! Can't wait to pick up all the little pieces every where!

Me and the boys!! Merry Christmas

  

Once everything was all opened and unwrapped the boys all piled into the kitchen to start building their Lego sets. I went and took a shower. Finally some peace and quite.

Joseph and Jacob working hard and serious. Yes Lego are serious business at our house.

Jarren is very determined and focused.

After spending time building Lego's and getting dressed we then took and piled into the van to head over to my parents place for the rest of the day and more fun adventures....But 1st we stopped at the cemetery to put Jocelyn's mini sock and candy canes on her grave. Something I never thought I would be doing on Christmas, visiting a child that was not physically with us. John and I did better then we thought on Christmas. I think because we had a good break down of emotions when setting up for Santa. I also tried to focus on the beautiful thought and image that I have child who gets to be with the really birthday guy and sit on his lap during his Birthday.

Her little sock with a J on it and two candy canes. It has helped to go through the motions of giving her 1st. Something I needed to help in my healing process.

Me with the boys

The boys feet showing off her Christmas decor.

John with the boys.

....Upon arriving at my parents place the boys rushed in and share all their things they got from Santa!!! While my parents are getting things ready for our breakfast brunch of breakfast burritos!!! Yum!!! So of course we were put to work right away...

Left to right: my dad and mom. haha mom you blinked!!!

John sauteing some onions in my parents kitchen.

After eating all the yummy food we went on to more present fun!!! It was more then we bargained for that is for sure!!!

Holy Crap!!! I think Santa over did it at my parents place or should I say my Sister Heather and her hubby Layne over did it!!!

John got a new baseball mit from my parents. Sweet he now can play catch comfortably with the boys. He has been using mine which does not work well for someone who is left handed

Left to Right: my sister in law Natalie, my niece Sophia, and Joseph

My sister Heather and her hubby Layne with their new puppy mini. She is sooo Cute I was ready to taker her home.

Left to Right my Brother Sean, Jarren, and John. They all look scared.

Sophia would rather sit on her gift then open it.

Joseph opening one from Grandma and Grampa

Jarren opening his from Grandma and Grandpa.

This was not the end of presents by far....My parents then brought out three large packages one for John and I and my sister and brother and their spouses. Which turned out to be new luggage with plane tickets to Orlando FL this summer!!! Yes everyone is going my Parents,the kids, and all of us. Nice mom and dad...

So I thought that was the biggest surprise in gifts?! Oh No!! Heather and Layne decided it was great idea to arm my boys with weapons!!! Yes I mean real weapons!!! They got a small 22 long rifle and bows and arrows. The boys were...well not sure what they thought at 1st. I am ok with these gifts. It will be good for the boys to go to a shooting range to learn gun safely and see that a gun is serious and not a toy. But we were able to go out back and set up a target and let the boys try out the bows. So that was fun. They even were able to get a left handed bow for Jarren, which also made it nice for John to try it as well.

Jacob giving his bow a try

Looking good and well focused

Loading for another round

Joseph taking a turn. Looks good I would say

Before Joseph taking a shot Layne giving him instruction.

Joseph getting help on how to load the bow.

I even took a shot at it. It was a nice release.

Jarren up and getting instruction from Layne

Jarren taking his 1st aim.

Jarren looking like a pro

Not bad for the 1st time!!

Even though we were not able to shoot the 22. Layne wanted to give some instruction on how to hold the gun and to be sure that it was not to big for the boys to handle. We will get out to a shooting range sometime this week to give it a shot.

So as you can tell it was a nice Christmas with the family with some surprises along the way. We hope that you all had a great Christmas as well and may you blessed in the coming year. Lots of Love to you all!!!