Mother's Day For Mom's Who Have Lost.

The Concept Of Time From The Mind Of An 8 Year Old

Me: How are things going at school?

Jarren: ok mom

Me: Remember if you ever want or need to talk about Jocelyn let me know.

Jarren: ok mom....

***Short pause while I tuck him in bed for the night*****

Jarren: Mom...I have not been thinking about Jocelyn, because I have really been focusing on earning a purple card.

Me: That is ok. Jocelyn would like that.

Jarren: It does not mean I do not still love my sister. It just that she died a long time ago.

***tears welling in my eyes****

Me: I know that time is seems different for you and I know that you will always love your sister. It is still hard for me and your dad.

Jarren: I know mom. It is harder for the adults.

**I try not to laugh**

Me: It is harder for us.

Jarren: I love you mom and it is ok.

***We Hug and kiss each other good night***

One Three Year Old To Another

While standing in my bathroom this was the conversation I over heard between Joseph and his friend when sitting on my bed......

Carson: "Is that picture you?"

Joseph: "yes, do you see my brothers?"

Carson: "That is Jarren..."

Joseph: " .....and that is Jacob!" "look on the other side...."

Carson: " K, I like your picture".

Joseph: " See that one it is Jocelyn"

Joseph: " See Jocelyn!?"

Carson: " yay..."

A Short pause....

Joseph: " She died...Jocelyn is my sister".

Carson: "Oh? lets go down stairs"

Joseph: " Ok"

The sound of little feet to the basement they went.

The Pain

At times I think I am truly going crazy!! These last couple of days have been very difficult. I can not even begin to say how much we miss our little girl. The pain that I fill in my arms and chest are at times unbearable and there is no drug to make the pain go away. I have found myself waking from unsettled sleep wanting to go and dig into the ground just to hold her and feel her in my arms.

I am often asked or told the phrase "How hard this must be". I sometimes want to say" No, being laid off work and having no income is hard. This is excruciating and at times feel there is no end to it. Only wishing and praying for the pain to subside just enough to feel normal as though I am not facing this task of endurance". That is when I find myself asking Heavenly Father to just hold my hand so that I know I can do this and will endure this. I am then quickly reminded that He truly knows my pain for Heavenly Father felt the same pain when his only begotten son Jesus Christ died for each us and his sacrifice was not without pain or suffering.

When the moments are difficult to face and all I want to do is scream and to have someone hear me out without commenting back of sorrows or condolences or the things I already know and have great faith in. Just here me without saying a word knowing that I have been heard is of comfort and healing.

Thoughts

So I have been keeping a journal of thoughts and feelings over the last month and half about what our family's new normal what ever that may be at times. Most days we feel we are on a roller coaster of emotions from sadness, loneliness, joy , pleasure, peace, anger, and the list goes on..........

I have spent lots of time on my knees in prayer. I find myself thanking Heavenly Father for all my blessings and for my daughter even though she can not be with us physically. I do truly feel blessed. My heart is so full of gratitude for our family, friends, and ward members who have gone out of their way to be there in support of us. I can't even begin to express my thanks to everyone. For there are not enough words or ways to say Thank You!!! I love each and everyone who has been there for us.

A friend sent this to me and it really says it all. For I know that God has his reasons as to why he needed our sweet princess and only in his time will John and I come to know his full reasons.



I also have added to Get To Know Jocelyn in the right hand side bar if you would like to read and see added photos. I will continue to add to this over time as well.

Friendships Through our Angel Jocelyn

John and I have been blessed by our daughter Jocelyn. She has opened so many doors for us on many levels some spiritual and other tangible. One door she has opened is the relationship of our photographer Jen with Now I Lay Me Down To sleep. Jen recently put an entry on her blog about Jocelyn and our family wanted to share that with you all. To learn more click HERE.

Thank You Jen!!

To see new photo's of Jocelyn click HERE

Our Princess Jocelyn

Jocelyn Cristeen Files
January 16,2010

Jocelyn came into this world as an angel baby sleeping still. She arrived at 10:37am weighing in at 4.13 pounds and 17 inches.

to learn more about our princess Jocelyn please click Here
to see more photo's of Jocelyn please click Here

John and I are very blessed and have a strong testimony of our Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ our Savior. We know that we will see and have our precious daughter again.
For Families are Forever and Eternal.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you" (John 14:27)

God be with you til we meet again.

Baby Update!!!

This pregnancy sure has been different then the boys, but then we are having a girl. She has been stubborn over the past several weeks, by not turning and remaining in a breech position. So with that being said we can not allow myself to go into labor on my own. Jocelyn is set to be delivered on January 19,2010.

We will check into the hospital in the early morning where we will attempt to see if a epidural or spinal will work for me this time. We have not had success in the past because of the metal rods I have in back for scoliosis. If the epidural or spinal work they will attempt to turn her so I can deliver naturally and if not then we will go right into a c-section. Either way I pray that the epidural works, because I do not want to be put under and not be able to hear her 1st cry.

In the mean time stay tuned and I will keep everyone updated as to her arrival. Here are some ultra sound photo's of her. ( to view them better just click on the photo for a closer view)

Through Out 2009

It has been a long time since I have updated our family blog. I posted a slide show of random photo's from this past year 2009 and copy of the information I sent out in our family Christmas card. I will have more updates in the coming weeks with the addition of our newest family member to be born next week.

John and I are doing well and staying busy with the boys from all their sporting events and school projects. As for major events or trips it has been calm. Oh, except for the late spring/early summer surprise news of baby number four, who is due to enter the world on January 24th, 2010? Any yes it will be a girl!! Not sure what to do with pink, but is slowing growing on me. The Boys are very excited to be getting a sister and keep asking when she will be here. I keep telling them “she will come just before daddy’s birthday”. John hopes she will come late and be born on his birthday.
Jarren will be 8yrs old in March. He is doing great in school and loves math the most, just like his dad. He is currently playing Jr. Jazz Basketball and looking forward to baseball in the spring. He is a great little helper around the house and is protective of his brothers. He is good about sitting and reading to his brothers and tries to teach Jacob how to read.
Jacob just turned 5yrs old this past October and was excited to play soccer this year. He is just finishing up his last year of preschool and is looking forward to Kindergarten next fall. Where does the time fly? He is my little friend and loves to sit and play games with me while Jarren is at school and Joseph is taking a nap. He gets excited for good summer weather when he can go fishing with my dad. He is getting pretty good at too.
Joseph just turned 3yrs old this past October and now asks everyday if you can go to school. I tell him he will go to preschool next fall when he is bigger. He is usually ok with that answer until he comes back to me 10 minutes later stating “I am bigger now can I go?” It makes me laugh. He loves his big brothers and get sad when they do not say bye to him when taking them to school. Joseph loves to come hug my belly and say “I love Jocelyn”. All though Joseph is very loving and cuddly he also loves to dismantle things around that house to test my patients.
John and I are looking forward to another year with a new addition to our family and all the chaos that will come from having four kids. We love and miss you all and wish everyone a great Christmas and Happy New Year.